School days!

I am just starting my 3rd semester of nursing school and can already tell that this semester is going to literally kick my ass!  In previous semesters there has been a lot of tests and little assignments.  This semester.. I get BOTH! 
I am actually not a very organized person... so now I have to figure out how to fit all of this into a day.  I have school 3 days a week.. (for the next 2 weeks I get to go 4!).  In the past I've done the opposite of procrastinate... like finished the assignment two weeks in advance... but in the past I've been incredibly bored with school.
I guess what I'm saying is.. I think I'm FINALLY learning what nursing school is and it's goign to be a fantastic opportunity for me to learn to balance what would normally seem impossible to a normal human being. 
On a totally random note:  The other day I was sitting next to a friend in Micro and he placed a "whoppers" wrapper in front of me.  I mentioned something about not being able to eat sugar (which was sort of ironic since he is a type I diabetic) and when I said I needed to lose ten lbs he looked at me with disgust.  It sort of baffled me.  Which only shows that my self image is as incredibly messed up as the next girl.  I also commented about going to weight watchers for a support group (because I have to attend a "support group" for psych) and the girl next to me... (whom I do not know) laughed out loud like that was funny.  So... I get it.  I'm "that" girl.  The one who isn't "fat" who people will always think is nuts for trying to be smaller. 
Welcome to my nutty brain!  :)

Ready set go!

It's been an interesting month.. between finals, my new job, and my boys being home for the summer life has been busy!!  I also got shingles right after finals.  And I went to the Dr. and started on an anti-depressant.... I am trying to take back control of my life.  About 2 weeks ago I decided that tough love is the answer!  I got online and signed up for a half marathon and have been RUNNING again! :)  I figure either I will train and lose weight or I will run it out of shape and attempt to not die!  Either way.. I'm running the race!  I managed to get back down to the weight I was in July and so.. I am officially in this month.  To be honest.. I need the money... :)  Money is quite a motivator isn't it? 

Okay... really... I'm serious... I am going to get into the 120's this month. 

So... I need to make goals and DECIDE to do it.

#1 -  No sugar. Period.

#2 - WATER WATER WATER!!  AT least 80 ozs a day.

#3 - NO ALCOHOL!! 

#4 - 5 meals a day. 

#5 -  RUN!!!  At least 4 times a week!  Walk hills 2 days a week.

#6 - Cancel gym membership... total waste of money!

#7 - NO EXCUSES!!!

I am going to make a print out of this and put it all over the place!  My fridge... my school binder... the bathroom mirror... anywhere I will see it.  I know it's important that I remind myself daily. 

Now... WHY?  Why do I want this?

#1.  Because it's getting cold and I don't fit into any of my pants.

#2  Because being small is an advantage in flight nursing.

#3  Because I want to be an example of healthy living for my children.

#4  Because I miss feeling "cute".

#5  Because I want to feel in CONTROL of me.

#6  Because I love me when I am exercising.

#7  Because life is way too short to spend it wishing for something more.

#8 TO FINISH WHAT I START!! 

I'm serious!!  It's on!

Again

I bought the book.  I'm reading it.  I'm remembering how amazing I felt when I was the Clean Eating Queen.  Fingers crossed... here I go AGAIN!

Nightmares

I went back to Colorado very briefly this weekend for Neena's wedding.  I wish I would have had time to see and do all the things I wanted to do but to be very honest.. not only was there very little time, but there wasn't a lot within my comfort zone.  See... people in Utah... they knew me back when I was over 200 lbs... but the Colorado folk... they've never known me to be large at all... and... as I laid on the floor of a friends basement after arriving there at 3 o'clock in the morning... I had a dream.. that people wouldn't recognize me because of my new found keg around the middle. 
I met Neena when I worked at the gym... so each time people at the wedding would ask me how we knew them... I would have to tell them that I was her personal trainer the previous summer and every time I would start with "it's kind of embarrassing" because seriously... how embarrassing that last summer I was a personal trainer and this summer... I'm tiptoeing around an unhealthy BMI eating my own words... and sorrow! 
I still have not figured out how to cope.  How to be ME and still be a student, and a mom, and a wife, and health conscious! 
GAH!!  I have got to get this figured out now... strange I know.... but somedays I wonder if I actually know how.  I mean... I know how to lose weight.. cause I did it before RIGHT?  Except I'm not that girl anymore... I'm someone else.  Maybe I'm more like who I want to become but less like the complete package I desperately want to be.  I've never felt so intelligent and necessary to humanity before as I do when I'm LEARNING in school... but I also feel so incredibly LARGE and out of shape and hypocritical on a daily basis.  Food glorious food!  I think I'm going to dig out my "The Eat Clean Diet" and freshen up on why I loved that way of living!
Hope you are all well! :)

Tired

I have recently realized that I have not only let myself go... but I have let everything go.  I cannot remember a time in my adult life when I allowed my house to be a disaster ALL THE TIME!!  Granted.. I have 4 boys... but for the most part I have always cleaned my house on a daily basis.  I strongly dislike the place I live... and I use it as an excuse to let it look like a shit hole... and it's driving me insane. 
It's hard to look around and realize that in a house of 6 people.. I'm the ONLY one who GIVES A SHIT!  The whole thing translates to me being the only one who has any desire or sense of responsibilty to NOT live in a shit whole... it's overwhelming.. I'm really mad.  I am tired.  Tired of being unhealthy.... tired of being ashamed when my boys open the front door and their is a stranger on my porch.  Tired of walking in the house and walking past something that surely needs to be picked up.  Tired of everything. 
It's 5:15 in the morning and I'm getting ready for spin class.  I'm done not caring anymore!  I just hope caring doesn't kill me.

Triathlon training

We have OFFICIALLY started the triathlon training.  I thought my husband might be more resistant but he is willing to go to the gym and head out on runs whenever I ask.  You can tell he is discouraged with his lack of cardiovascular endurance.. which means we need to start hitting spinn classes HARD!  Spin class seriously is my heart.  I would love to go 5 times a week if I could swing it... it just kicks your butt.. pushes you beyond measure and DRASTICALLY increases your hearts ability to keep on keepin' on!! :)  My attempt for spinn will be to get him to the gym at 5:30 in the morning on his days off... I'm sure he will not be too thrilled... but he is really trying to enjoy this.  I think he actually believes that he MIGHT enjoy it if he didn't feel so "out-of-shape".  I'm considering putting together weight lifting programs for him... but the gym we go to is a city rec center and the weight room is not close to big enough for the amount of people who utilize it so we shall see. 
I have found that when I exercise, it's easier to eat right!  Weird I know.. but I am way more health consicous when I feel better about me and that's what exercise does for me!  Hope you are all doing well!!  

The plan

Okay... my hubby has decided to do a triathlon with me and has agreed to working out with me.  Our regular schedule will look like this:

Monday: Swim laps

Tuesday: RUN

Wednesday: Swim laps

Thursday : RUN

Friday : REST

Saturday: Morning spin class at the gym

Sunday: Family hike

I also am going to start making sure to eat within 30 minutes of waking up and drinking my water again! 

Bah!!  Must make like Nike and JUST DO IT!