School days!

I am just starting my 3rd semester of nursing school and can already tell that this semester is going to literally kick my ass!  In previous semesters there has been a lot of tests and little assignments.  This semester.. I get BOTH! 
I am actually not a very organized person... so now I have to figure out how to fit all of this into a day.  I have school 3 days a week.. (for the next 2 weeks I get to go 4!).  In the past I've done the opposite of procrastinate... like finished the assignment two weeks in advance... but in the past I've been incredibly bored with school.
I guess what I'm saying is.. I think I'm FINALLY learning what nursing school is and it's goign to be a fantastic opportunity for me to learn to balance what would normally seem impossible to a normal human being. 
On a totally random note:  The other day I was sitting next to a friend in Micro and he placed a "whoppers" wrapper in front of me.  I mentioned something about not being able to eat sugar (which was sort of ironic since he is a type I diabetic) and when I said I needed to lose ten lbs he looked at me with disgust.  It sort of baffled me.  Which only shows that my self image is as incredibly messed up as the next girl.  I also commented about going to weight watchers for a support group (because I have to attend a "support group" for psych) and the girl next to me... (whom I do not know) laughed out loud like that was funny.  So... I get it.  I'm "that" girl.  The one who isn't "fat" who people will always think is nuts for trying to be smaller. 
Welcome to my nutty brain!  :)

Ready set go!

It's been an interesting month.. between finals, my new job, and my boys being home for the summer life has been busy!!  I also got shingles right after finals.  And I went to the Dr. and started on an anti-depressant.... I am trying to take back control of my life.  About 2 weeks ago I decided that tough love is the answer!  I got online and signed up for a half marathon and have been RUNNING again! :)  I figure either I will train and lose weight or I will run it out of shape and attempt to not die!  Either way.. I'm running the race!  I managed to get back down to the weight I was in July and so.. I am officially in this month.  To be honest.. I need the money... :)  Money is quite a motivator isn't it? 

Okay... really... I'm serious... I am going to get into the 120's this month. 

So... I need to make goals and DECIDE to do it.

#1 -  No sugar. Period.

#2 - WATER WATER WATER!!  AT least 80 ozs a day.

#3 - NO ALCOHOL!! 

#4 - 5 meals a day. 

#5 -  RUN!!!  At least 4 times a week!  Walk hills 2 days a week.

#6 - Cancel gym membership... total waste of money!

#7 - NO EXCUSES!!!

I am going to make a print out of this and put it all over the place!  My fridge... my school binder... the bathroom mirror... anywhere I will see it.  I know it's important that I remind myself daily. 

Now... WHY?  Why do I want this?

#1.  Because it's getting cold and I don't fit into any of my pants.

#2  Because being small is an advantage in flight nursing.

#3  Because I want to be an example of healthy living for my children.

#4  Because I miss feeling "cute".

#5  Because I want to feel in CONTROL of me.

#6  Because I love me when I am exercising.

#7  Because life is way too short to spend it wishing for something more.

#8 TO FINISH WHAT I START!! 

I'm serious!!  It's on!

Again

I bought the book.  I'm reading it.  I'm remembering how amazing I felt when I was the Clean Eating Queen.  Fingers crossed... here I go AGAIN!

Nightmares

I went back to Colorado very briefly this weekend for Neena's wedding.  I wish I would have had time to see and do all the things I wanted to do but to be very honest.. not only was there very little time, but there wasn't a lot within my comfort zone.  See... people in Utah... they knew me back when I was over 200 lbs... but the Colorado folk... they've never known me to be large at all... and... as I laid on the floor of a friends basement after arriving there at 3 o'clock in the morning... I had a dream.. that people wouldn't recognize me because of my new found keg around the middle. 
I met Neena when I worked at the gym... so each time people at the wedding would ask me how we knew them... I would have to tell them that I was her personal trainer the previous summer and every time I would start with "it's kind of embarrassing" because seriously... how embarrassing that last summer I was a personal trainer and this summer... I'm tiptoeing around an unhealthy BMI eating my own words... and sorrow! 
I still have not figured out how to cope.  How to be ME and still be a student, and a mom, and a wife, and health conscious! 
GAH!!  I have got to get this figured out now... strange I know.... but somedays I wonder if I actually know how.  I mean... I know how to lose weight.. cause I did it before RIGHT?  Except I'm not that girl anymore... I'm someone else.  Maybe I'm more like who I want to become but less like the complete package I desperately want to be.  I've never felt so intelligent and necessary to humanity before as I do when I'm LEARNING in school... but I also feel so incredibly LARGE and out of shape and hypocritical on a daily basis.  Food glorious food!  I think I'm going to dig out my "The Eat Clean Diet" and freshen up on why I loved that way of living!
Hope you are all well! :)

Tired

I have recently realized that I have not only let myself go... but I have let everything go.  I cannot remember a time in my adult life when I allowed my house to be a disaster ALL THE TIME!!  Granted.. I have 4 boys... but for the most part I have always cleaned my house on a daily basis.  I strongly dislike the place I live... and I use it as an excuse to let it look like a shit hole... and it's driving me insane. 
It's hard to look around and realize that in a house of 6 people.. I'm the ONLY one who GIVES A SHIT!  The whole thing translates to me being the only one who has any desire or sense of responsibilty to NOT live in a shit whole... it's overwhelming.. I'm really mad.  I am tired.  Tired of being unhealthy.... tired of being ashamed when my boys open the front door and their is a stranger on my porch.  Tired of walking in the house and walking past something that surely needs to be picked up.  Tired of everything. 
It's 5:15 in the morning and I'm getting ready for spin class.  I'm done not caring anymore!  I just hope caring doesn't kill me.

Triathlon training

We have OFFICIALLY started the triathlon training.  I thought my husband might be more resistant but he is willing to go to the gym and head out on runs whenever I ask.  You can tell he is discouraged with his lack of cardiovascular endurance.. which means we need to start hitting spinn classes HARD!  Spin class seriously is my heart.  I would love to go 5 times a week if I could swing it... it just kicks your butt.. pushes you beyond measure and DRASTICALLY increases your hearts ability to keep on keepin' on!! :)  My attempt for spinn will be to get him to the gym at 5:30 in the morning on his days off... I'm sure he will not be too thrilled... but he is really trying to enjoy this.  I think he actually believes that he MIGHT enjoy it if he didn't feel so "out-of-shape".  I'm considering putting together weight lifting programs for him... but the gym we go to is a city rec center and the weight room is not close to big enough for the amount of people who utilize it so we shall see. 
I have found that when I exercise, it's easier to eat right!  Weird I know.. but I am way more health consicous when I feel better about me and that's what exercise does for me!  Hope you are all doing well!!  

The plan

Okay... my hubby has decided to do a triathlon with me and has agreed to working out with me.  Our regular schedule will look like this:

Monday: Swim laps

Tuesday: RUN

Wednesday: Swim laps

Thursday : RUN

Friday : REST

Saturday: Morning spin class at the gym

Sunday: Family hike

I also am going to start making sure to eat within 30 minutes of waking up and drinking my water again! 

Bah!!  Must make like Nike and JUST DO IT!

Having a plan

I weighed in this morning.  I was surprised that I haven't GAINED weight.  (Although I have GAINED a ton since my lowest number this month!) I ended the month with a small loss.... of.... drumrol.... 1.6 lbs. BOO!! 
Oh well.
June is gone.  July is here and I owe it to ME to kick July's ass!!  Instead of going off the old premise of "I already know how to do this, blah blah blah" I'm going off a new PLAN!!  A guideline.  Something I WILL stick to and remind myself of daily. SO... here goes.
I'm going to drink AT LEAST 80 ozs of water a day!!
NO SUGAR!
NO WHITE FLOUR!
LIMITED PROCESSED CARBS!
PORTION CONTROL!! (on special occasions I will not pass up on food... but I will NOT allow myself to overindulge.  Everything must be cut at LEAST in half if it is against one of the above rules.)
EXERCISE!!  (Guess who hasn't done ANY exercise since Ragnar?) 
I intend to come up with an exercise regimen that involves running, biking, swimming and lifting. I will post that fancey schedule by Monday and get my ass in gear.  I MISS the gym... but I also don't have the same type of gym here... (they exist but a family pass at the community center seemed like a better choice for the family.)
Okay.. next month I'm going to at least FEEL AMAZING!!  Even if I'm not down 13 lbs... :) Good luck to all of you!!

The keys to my failure....

Ragnar was a whirlwind.. but it was also full of disaster and sabotage.  I loved it and hope to do it again.  Meanwhile.. life has been exhausting.  School is great!!  The boys are great!! Summer is fun!!  And still.. life feels as if it's falling apart at the seams.  I've decided to do a sprint triathlon in August and have invited my husband to join me.  I've also decided to do a Mud run in September... I can't wait.  Right now I need a runnin g goal.  Need to find a 10k and get back to running.  If I thought for a minute I could tell you all the truth... I would write 10,000 more words.  But I can't so I won't.  Life is HARD. and overwhelming... and I'm just living.

Do you want to run a relay race

This is pretty spot on! Pictures to follow!! "It was fun!"

Whats in a week?

The week has been nutso.  I'm busy getting ready for the Ragnar Relay!!  I'm SO EXCITED!!!   I have been running and loving the couple of 2 a days I've done! (2 a day = running twice in a day).  As soon as Ragnar is over I will start to add some resistance training to my regimen.. right now.. I'm just terrified of being sore or hurting my knees.  School is crazy as usual.
 I have LOST weight!!  YAY!!!    My biggest obstacle right now is simply waiting for payday to buy more food cause right now our cupboards and fridge are lacking in the fresh foods department.  I've noticed my boobs getting smaller.  I know it's sick and wrong but I get GIDDY when my boobs start to shrink.  Its a sign that my body fat percentages is decreasing... and that's kind of the point right?  I'm hoping to be back into the 120's at the end of this month... that means a lot of steadfast effort.  I know I can do it!  I've done it before!  I just have to keep EATING LESS and MOVING MORE!!  :) YAY!!

Mad TV - Eat Less, Move More (Crista Flanagan)

Not to be insulting... I LOVE THIS!

Sick and tired of being sick... and tired...

Blah!  I've been feeling like BLAH for a couple of days now.  It started out with a head/chest cold and adopted ALLERGIES along the way.  It might sound odd.. but I'M NEVER SICK.. so anything that feels like I'm set back just makes me MAD!  It's also made me all sorts of funky.  I don't want to do what I know I should.. (like study for my fundamentals test or eat).  I also decided in the pit of my sorrow to deactivate my facebook account.. so I can spend less time on the crap that doesn't matter.. and more time on the things that do. 
Yesterday I went running twice... chest crap and all.  It felt awesome and like straight up torture depending on the moment. I just want to feel like me.  Right now.. I feel BLAH!

The pants!

This picture was taken in January of 2010.  The pants in this picture NO LONGER FIT!!!   I loved how I felt in them and I figured... I could make them my goal pants for this comp.  Yesterday I [literally] squeezed my self into them.  I broke the zipper gettng them on... but I took a picture anyway...

So... here goes nothing.. my new quest: fit into these Jeans by October!  READY SET GO!! :)

Attitude... it truly is everything.

I've been going insane over what my first blog of this comp would be about.  I wanted to imagine it as a new start, a new chapter, however you want to look at it.  I thought it would reflect some great epiphany where I remind myself that where I've come from, where I've been... none of that matters unless I know where I am going. 

Today my mother-in-law hit a new chapter in her struggles with pancreatic cancer.  She is now "officially" stage IV thanks to [inevitable] metastisis.  Which brings me to my point. 

Are you living? Or dying? 

 Marilyn is absolutely going to die.  BUT.. SO ARE YOU! 

Attitude is everything. 

So here we sit.  We all have an inevitable fate... and we make choices that can contribute to when/where/how... but reality is.. we can only choose how we live.  We do not choose how we die.  Marilyn, my mother-in-law, one of the most amazing women on the planet: SHE IS LIVING!  And her every breath challenges me to LIVE!!!  To breath!!  To enjoy every moment life has to offer.

To live until the moment I die.

This competition represents a new me.  I lost the old me when I realized that life has no guarantees.  I changed... became someone else.   I stopped LIVING.. and started resenting life.

So my new chapter begins.  Today... I will live the way I hope my children will live.  I will adopt habits that make me feel better about me.  I will do things that make waking up every morning worth the hassle.  I'm DONE feeling mediocre... I'm DONE living life like it's something owed to me.  I'm READY to be EXCEPTIONAL and to take advantage of this gift.   

Don't get caught up in that theory that "life is too short to skip on dessert".  Dessert never made you feel any better about who you are.  It never brought you to accomplish some great task.  It never taught you how powerful and strong you are... all it ever did [for me] is make me feel powerless, bloated, and inferior. 

The idea that nothing tastes as good as thin feels is TOTAL CRAP!!  But I guarantee NOTHING tastes as good as you feel when YOU are in control of you!! 

I'm taking back control! 

Watch out world. 

Spinn Class

Tomorrow morning I'm going to Spinn class.  I only have like 2 weeks of being able to go on Tuesdays so it's on! :)

Silence that means something.

So in the past when I'm not blogginb.. it's because I'm not doing anything.  LUCKILY this has NOT been the case.  I'm running like a mother.  My treadmill is my new best friend.  I love Nip/Tuck!  I bought a new pair of awesome shoes, a head lamp and a purple running hat! The one thing I'm sucking at is diet.. and that's when my new plan comes in:

I have made an executive decision: 

I'm starting a comp!  June 1-October 1.  $50 buy in.  ALL money is prizes.  Monthly and end of comp prizes and NO BOYS!!  Also I'm officially capping it!  NO MORE THAN 25 people.  And my sister Vicki is going to compete and help me keep everything running smoothly! 
ARE YOU INTERESTED????

Check

6 mile run on the treadmill last night while watching the season finale of Survivor.  Hey.. whatever it takes right? ;)

Cross Train

I LOVE cycling.  It's really my favorite exercise.  It's amazing how easy it is on your joints while still burning a zillion calories.  When I woke up at 6:45 this a.m. I figured now was as good a time as any to get my cross training workout out of the way and so I got all decked out in my best running clothes (cause I'm way too cheap to buy nice cycling clothes) and got my mountain bike down (also too cheap to buy a fancy [ridiculously expensive] street bike).
I was a little surprised when I realized that I still had the pedals on my bike from my Triathlon.  They are fancy, have cages, and have this mechanism that allows you to get your feet out of them by turning your foot sideways.  I KNEW the moment I looked at them that they were a disaster waiting to happen.  I haven't ridden my bike in way too long and couldn't even remember how to clip into them... but I couldn't resist.  Cages allow you to push AND pull when you are cycling which allows you to use your quads AND hamstrings as agonists... more muscle burn... more calorie burn.  So I left them. 
3 miles into my ride, my water bottle magically decided to turn sideways and hang upside down out of the bottle holder.  Which each revolution I would hit it with my calf and spray water everywhere.  I should have just left the damn thing... let it fall to the ground and spit on it as I rode away.  Instead... I reached down and strategically tried to adjust it... WHILE going uphill... completely lost momentum and thought.. "Oh SHIT!  THIS is why I should have changed the pedals!" I managed to get my foot "unlocked" just as I hit the ground and the result?  Just a little blood on my thigh from what I could see.  I refused to let is stop me.. manually locked the damn pedal back into place.. LEFT the water bottle on the side of the trail... and road another 10 miles.  IT wasn't until about mile 11 that I reached down to my knee and realized it was bleeding a little... and NOW for your viewing pleasure:

Awesome right?  My kid also pointed out my whole back side was covered in dirt!  My husband instantly reminded me of why he didn't want me to buy those pedals in the first place and me?  Well... I burned 500 calories on a 60 minute bike ride!  I'm AWESOME! ;)

Dear Quads

Dear Quads-

I know I have abandoned you the last few months and I am VERY VERY sorry!  Unfortunately this time around, I am more stubborn than you.  There is no rest day until Friday. And on Saturday we will be doing a nice long bike ride.. as for today I went gentle on you.. but I HAVE to run so whether you like it or not.. 40 minutes was absolutely necessary for my brain to take back control of me.  Tomorrow we have a shorter 3 mile run AND strength training again so... here's the deal... I PROMISE to run REALLY SLOW tomorrow and to ONLY do strength training on my arms, abs, back and chest.  In exchange, I would GREATLY APPRECIATE if you would chill the eff out.  Stop hurting non stop!  I would love to stop saying "ow" when my children climb on my lap.. and to be able to sit on the toilet without tears.  I would also LOVE to bend over and pick up the baseball when I'm playing catch with my sons without feeling like I'm 90. 

If you will do this small favor for me, I promise to NOT ignore you again!

Sincerely,

The Rest of Your Body