1000 Miles??

I've been trying to find some sort of goal/focus to get me back on track.  I would love to do another Sprint Triathlon this year and plan on doing another half marathon in June, but I've been looking for something to do right now without much luck.  A friend of mine posted something on her facebook yesterday.  Her goal for the year is to run 1000 miles.  That's a little less than 20 miles a week.. and it sounds BRILLIANT to me!!  I mean really.. why the heck not right?  How fun to keep track of every mile I run with some long/shortterm goal in mind. 

1000 Miles?  Sounds like a plan! ;)

My Lists

I often get asked how to stay motivated to succeed in weight loss.  I wish I had some perfect answer, or that I could simply bottle it and give out samples... but the reality is.. I CANNOT MOTIVATE OTHERS.  We all have different things that drive us.  Different things that keep us going.  Different reasons why we want to succeed.  I am no exception to this.  I must find motivation on days I want to give up.  I HAVE to drag my butt to the gym some days.  I make nutritional bloopers.  I have PMS and chocolate cravings and some days I'm a wreck. 

Life is hard. 

When people ask me for help, I ask them to make 2 lists.  One - of all the reasons they want to succeed and one - of all of the obstacles standing in their way. (You would be surprised how many people NEVER bother making these lists when they realize I have no quick fix.)

And so, for your viewing pleasure.... my NEW lists:

Why I Want to Succeed:

1.  To prove it can be done.  I have done so well in the past at losing, I figured out maintaining for about a year... but when life got harder... I sort of lost it.  Must pull it together again.

2.  To fit [comfortably] into all the cute jeans I was wearing this time last year.

3.  To be a role model.  This is where I would have said, to be around for my kids longer etc... etc... but my focus HAS to change from this.  My 60 year old, incredibly health conscious mother in law has pancreatic cancer and will most likely be gone before spring.... I used to believe that healthy lifestyles = long lives, but it simply isn't true.  This will be my biggest obstacle.  It is incredibly hard mentally for me to work SO hard knowing that all my hard work could be in vein.  MUST find a new focus as my 383rd birthday is simply not a guarantee.

4.  To NOT be a hypocrite.  I know that's probably lame... but I don't want to have to eat all these pretty words I've been typing for 2 years.  I know it's possible... so damn it, I'm going to stick to it.

5.  To fit into the scrubs I bought for school that are too tight to wear in public.  (I start school in 2 weeks and seriously, I bought one pair of scrubs that shouldn't be too tight but are!) BOO!!

6.  To continue to inspire others to dig in and find their motivation.

7.  To keep that WOW factor.  (I can't help but love the "I can't believe you have 4 kids, you are so tiny" comments.

8.  To feel good about me.  Exercise and eating right make me feel euphoric.  Don't want to lose it.

9.  To live life without becoming complacent.  I do not want to be the person who gives up on what I really want because I fall into the "good enoughs." NO NO NO!!!

10.  To be HEALTHY!!  That's right boys and girls.. even though there are no guarantees in quantity of life, I can surely guarantee myself QUALITY of life. 

My Obstacles:

1.  My 4 kiddos.  I don't want to sacrifice time with my children.  I used to believe I was buying myself time, it was a fair trade.  Now, I realize that there is no guarantee that I'm buying time so...

2. School.  I start nursing school in 2 weeks!

3.  Money.  Eating right isn't cheap.

5.  Pancreatic cancer.  My mom-in-laws diagnois of this disease has destroyed a lot of my drive.  Some days, I wonder why I should even bother with all this hard work?  Why should I skip out on overindulgence?  Why bother exercising?  Because none of that seems to matter to pancreatic cancer.  I don't want to die.  And this disease has been a huge reminder to me that life is not guaranteed.  And it pretty much pisses me off.

6. My husband.  My husband has always been my biggest hurdle.  He scowls at me when I cook myself healthy food.  He makes snotty comments when I go to the gym.  He openly voices his annoyance when I spend money on food for myself because ultimately he refuses to eat the way I do.   He even mentioned to me yesterday that he has "no faith in me." As he rolled his eyes at my mention of potty training my 2 year old.  Sometimes I think he WANTS ME to feel like crap.  That he prefers a less confidant me.  He is my sabotage.  He is the one obstacle that I seem to always let defeat me.  I have spent 2 years trying to find a balance only to discover that he is only happy when I don't do for me. 

Reality check:  My list of obstacles is my list of excuses.  In the past I've checked these off the list, one by one... and now... I must figure out how to do it all over again.  Everything is different now.  I am different now.  I have come to realize that there are no guarantees in life, something I used to be sort of, blind to.  I have used my love for life as a motivating factor to DO... and now, I've got to find a whole new reason to succeed.   

 Anyone out there reading, I would love to know....

WHAT DRIVES YOU??? 

 And in case you were interested, here is MY LIST of reasons from day one of this blogging adventure! 

I wonder...

This morning, as I fished my yoga pants from the bottom of my drawer, I couldn't help but laugh at the idea that those particular pants had been "trying not to get their hopes up" every other day I had reached in that drawer for the last 2 months! ;)

Treadmill class sort of felt like punishment for 2 months of being bad.  I ran just a little over 5.5 miles and never quit.. though I felt like dying.  I actually was really interested in the other women on the treadmills.  OF the 10 in the class, at least 5 of them stopped repeatedly during the workout to do things like; drink their water, wipe their face, or stretch.  I see those things as EXCUSES to stop and wondered how many of them had any idea what it meant to REALLY work hard.  It was like a bunch of women who had NO CLUE what it is like to be OBESE.  I found myself wishing so badly that the other ladies in the cardio room were on those machines.  Those ladies are the ones I relate to.. the ones busting their ass at the gym, feeling like it is IMPOSSIBLE to be one of the gals on the treadmill.  I wanted to scream out.. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!  But, I couldn't breath and refused to stop so I just kept on running!

Food for today:

Breakfast: 2 egg whites, 1/4 cup oats cooked in water with 1 t honey and a little cinnamon

Midmorning Snack: One scoop of protein shake (125 calories and 21 g protein) with a small fuji apple.

Lunch: Chicken salad which consisted of 1 roma tomatoe, romaine lettuce, 4.3 ounces of chicken sauteed in balsamic vinegar, a little feta cheese and 2 T of vinageratte dressing (45 calories in 2 T.)

This was YUMMY!!!

Dinner: Taco salad with no processed carbs so.,.. meat, cheese, light sourcream, avocado, FF refried beans, olives, onions, tomato and a WHOLE LOTTA LETTUCE. (This meal was probably way more calories then I needed in one sitting). 

Dessert: (This is a rarity) One tiny scoop (about 1 oz) of mint chocolate brownie ice cream. (It was a birthday party.)

So food wasn't perfect but it was SO much better!  I drank at least 80 ozs of water today and didn't feel hungry at all! :)  Tomorrow is another day.  Can't wait!

Day 1... sorta...

 I decided to start this thing today, even though I knew that day one would NOT be the best example.  I chose this day because last night was my last shift at the hospital. I got home at 7:30 this morning and slept until around 11:45.  This of course means the day looks a lot like a big mess... and I spent most of it on the verge of exhaustion.
Regardless.... todays (VERY BAD) example is:
12 ozs of coffee with 2 packets of truvia and 1 T milk.
One orange
Two 70 calorie string cheeses
One small chili from Wendy's with cheese and onions
One half of a half cobb salad from Wendys
probably around 40 ozs of water
NO EXERCISE.
Lots of things were wrong with this day.  I did NOT consume enough calories, I didn't drink enough water, and I didn't exercise (although I did do a lot of walking/shopping today! ;) )
Tomorrow will be a normal day.  Hopefully the blog will look much better tomorrow evening.
First thing in the morning.. I'm hitting a treadmill class at the gym! YAY!!!

UGH-liness

I moved. 
 I got a job.

I have been eating crap.

I have not been exercising.

I have gained 7 lbs in 2 months. 

Yesterday was the last day of my job.

(My AMAZING Mother-in-law was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer so I resigned from my job to be home to support my family!)

I have a gym membership.

I have a plan.

Starting TODAY!! 

I am going to lose 10 lbs in one month. 

I am going to exercise at least 5 times a week.

And record all of my activity and everything I eat on this blog DAILY.

I am going to get back to my healthy way of life.

I'm hitting the grocery store and stocking up on produce and protein sources.

I'm going to drink 80-100 ozs of water a day!

I'm going to start feeling AMAZING again! 

Starting weight 132.6!  First thing after I woke up from my last graveyard this afternoon.  THIS IS IT!!  UGH!!

I would love comments!  The more people I know are reading, the more motivated I am.  I love feeling accountable.  Like somehow I'm making a difference.  I love proving that things that seem impossible REALLY ARE possible.  So.. hold me accountable.  :)  ONE MONTH!!  In one month I will be back to 122 lbs or less!  WOOT WOOT!

New Audience, New Voice!

I realize that I am going to have some new traffic to my blog thanks to a crazy idea to send a pic to Bob Harper the BL trainer.  I didn't realize at the time that a zillion people would see it AND that a few of them would be inspired to change their lives because of it. 

A few HUNDRED people have asked how I did it and I hate to disappoint those people so I will answer them as best I can but be warned... my answer may equally disappoint.  This is a story of hard work, skipping Easter candy and SO MUCH MORE!!  Read it if you dare but know in advance that I lost my weight with the good old fashioned sentiment of "EAT LESS MOVE MORE!!"

I was chubby as a child but thinned out around 9th grade and became incredibly active at that time.  I graduated high school, headed off to college (where I ate myself 20 lbs heavier).  I left college after only one semester, met my NOW husband, got pregnant, married and gained another 50 lbs.  One year (and 5 days) after my first son was born I gave birth to my 2nd son.  Over the course of the next 4 years I would occasionally try another fad diet.  Atkins, weight watchers, Jenny Craig, and of course... prescription weight loss pills that made me poop my pants.  ALL of these worked briefly.  All of them became inconvenient incredibly quickly.  All of them rendered me a failure and reaffirmed the idea I had in my head that "it's impossible."   At one point during the 4 years of failure I had a conversation with an internal medicine doctor in which he told me essentially that "weight loss wasn't worth the work".  He told me it was SOOO hard to lose the weight and even harder to keep it off and that I would have to starve myself and run 10 miles a day to even dream about being in my high school jeans.  And with that... I rendered it not only impossible, but foolish, stupid, and a dream not worth working towards.

It's interesting the bigger I got on the outside, the smaller I felt on the inside.

I gave birth to my 3rd son 5 years after my 2nd son was born.  I never even thought about weight loss at this point.  2 years after my 3rd son, my 4th son arrived and I was well over 200 lbs. It was at this point that I decided to EMBRACE my big self.  I asked a close photographer friend to take family pictures for me and I LIKED THEM!

In December of 2008 I finally went and got myself a Lane Bryant Card and bought myself some cute size "2" jeans! (Lane Bryant sells plus size clothes only and they resize them to make yourself feel better that you are a "2" and not a 20!)  Life was going FANTASTIC!  I was pretending to be incredibly happy stuffed into my new jeans.  I was embracing the concept that my size didn't interfere with my ability to be a good mother, wife, friend etc.  And then one day... my bubble got popped and I realized just how big of a lie I was accepting as truth.

That Christmas my boys received snow boards and so did I! I was thrilled to pick up a new sport!  I even went into the sports supply store and squeezed myself into the LARGEST pair of snow pants that they had in the store.  (They were overalls!) I couldn't breath.. but those pants zipped up and became the LAST pair of XXL anything I EVER bought!  Snowboarding was devastating.  I would almost instantly fall.  Once I fell, it was IMPOSSIBLE to get back up.  As you can see from above, my husband is a thin man.  It was his COMPLETE INABILITY TO COMPREHEND how on earth I couldn't just GET UP that really put me in my place.  What the hell was wrong with me?  Why couldn't I get my fat ass up out of the snow? Big AH-HA moment.  My weight WAS interfering with EVERY aspect of my life!!

And finally!!  I got mad!  I got motivated!  I stopped lying to myself!  And I determined to change!

I started telling people that I had to do something to change and my cousin mentioned to me that she was joining a weight loss competition with a group of photographers and I jumped at the opportunity to compete.  It gave me focus, support, and drive.  And for the first time in my life, I admitted that I never followed through with ANYTHING and made it my goal to just FINISH SOMETHING FOR A CHANGE!!! I joined this 5 month competition not knowing what on earth I was doing.. I just KNEW that I was going to do it for 5 months.  AND that whatever I did.. it had to be something I could DO FOREVER!!  I realized then that temporary changes only yield temporary results and I refused to lose weight only to regain it! 

So what did I do?  Well.. I went insane.. I got obsessive.. I freaked out and changed things up here or there but the one thing I always did was NoT EaT SuGaR, WhItE FlOuR, OR DrInK AlCoHoL! I also followed a few guidelines that I picked up from a new friend who happens to be a fantastic personal trainer!   (Click HERE for a list of the "RULES" I followed to lose the weight!) These rules were really the bread and butter of my diet plan.  They forced me to EAT!!  And EAT RIGHT!!  2 concepts I had never before been willing to accept.  I also began a normal exercise regimen.  I was at the gym 5-6 times a week.  I was fortunate enough to know a couple of people who had given me some sort of direction in the gym so I made sure to do 30 minutes of cardio and 20-30 minutes of resistance training EVERY TIME I stepped in the door.  However, I fully embraced the concept that EXERCISE IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO EAT BADLY!!  Exercise was supplemental to my plan.  It fed me MENTALLY when I couldn't feed myself physically, but it is NOT the reason I lost 80+ lbs! 
I know on the Biggest Loser they are always showing everyone MELTING in the gym... but watch seasons where people have thrown the weighins.. they still worked their ass off in the gym.. it was what they put in their mouths that kept weight on!!
I feel like this entry is already WAY too long!!  If you have questions.. feel free to post comments and ask them!  Maybe I'll do a q and a next blog entry! For now... start with the idea that
IT IS POSSIBLE AND YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

What doesn't kill me...

Ambition: an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction, as power, honor, fame, or wealth, and the willingness to strive for its attainment

This morning I decided I was going to take my little guys on a bike ride.  This requires me to put their butts in a trailer with a bent wheel and haul them behind my mountain bike.  I do this often to run errands in town, I actually have an unwritten rule that if I'm going somewhere in town I MUST ride my bike.  I also have taken cycling to a whole new world since I started spinn class.. basically when I ride I NEVER stop peddling!!  Not to slow down, not on a down hill.. I use my gears and my legs NEVER stop moving!!  Well.. today I figured I'd do a long ride originally I thought I'd head out and do 10 miles or something.  Sounds fun...

But as I left my house I started thinking "why not take them on that 21 miler?" I mean.. I did 21 miles the other day on my own and totally didn't die... and even though I knew it would be MUCH harder I just kept telling myself "It's not a race! I can totally do this!  I've got all day!" I was feeling incredibly ambitious! ;)   About 5 miles into it that saying "overly ambitious" popped into my head and I held onto that thought the rest of the way.  How can one be OVERLY ambitious?  Screw that... it's impossible.  Saying you were overly ambitious is saying that something is impossible.  But it's simply not true.  One thing I've learned from this journey is that so many of the limits I had were in my head.  I learned to really embrace the idea that that which doesn't kill me makes me stronger.  So it became my montage as I pulled those boys up hill after hill.. that which doesn't kill me makes me stronger... pain is weakness leaving your body... there is no such thing as being overly ambitious... I will NOT die.. I will get home eventually... AND I DID! ;)

Life happens whether we are ambitious.. or sitting on the couch.  Why not push past those false limits?  Why not set goals that might seem "overly ambitious" because NOTHING feels as amazing as doing something you never thought you could do... or proving to doubters that it's possible!!

Set HUGE goals... and work your ass off to achieve them! :)