Nightmares

I went back to Colorado very briefly this weekend for Neena's wedding.  I wish I would have had time to see and do all the things I wanted to do but to be very honest.. not only was there very little time, but there wasn't a lot within my comfort zone.  See... people in Utah... they knew me back when I was over 200 lbs... but the Colorado folk... they've never known me to be large at all... and... as I laid on the floor of a friends basement after arriving there at 3 o'clock in the morning... I had a dream.. that people wouldn't recognize me because of my new found keg around the middle. 
I met Neena when I worked at the gym... so each time people at the wedding would ask me how we knew them... I would have to tell them that I was her personal trainer the previous summer and every time I would start with "it's kind of embarrassing" because seriously... how embarrassing that last summer I was a personal trainer and this summer... I'm tiptoeing around an unhealthy BMI eating my own words... and sorrow! 
I still have not figured out how to cope.  How to be ME and still be a student, and a mom, and a wife, and health conscious! 
GAH!!  I have got to get this figured out now... strange I know.... but somedays I wonder if I actually know how.  I mean... I know how to lose weight.. cause I did it before RIGHT?  Except I'm not that girl anymore... I'm someone else.  Maybe I'm more like who I want to become but less like the complete package I desperately want to be.  I've never felt so intelligent and necessary to humanity before as I do when I'm LEARNING in school... but I also feel so incredibly LARGE and out of shape and hypocritical on a daily basis.  Food glorious food!  I think I'm going to dig out my "The Eat Clean Diet" and freshen up on why I loved that way of living!
Hope you are all well! :)

Tired

I have recently realized that I have not only let myself go... but I have let everything go.  I cannot remember a time in my adult life when I allowed my house to be a disaster ALL THE TIME!!  Granted.. I have 4 boys... but for the most part I have always cleaned my house on a daily basis.  I strongly dislike the place I live... and I use it as an excuse to let it look like a shit hole... and it's driving me insane. 
It's hard to look around and realize that in a house of 6 people.. I'm the ONLY one who GIVES A SHIT!  The whole thing translates to me being the only one who has any desire or sense of responsibilty to NOT live in a shit whole... it's overwhelming.. I'm really mad.  I am tired.  Tired of being unhealthy.... tired of being ashamed when my boys open the front door and their is a stranger on my porch.  Tired of walking in the house and walking past something that surely needs to be picked up.  Tired of everything. 
It's 5:15 in the morning and I'm getting ready for spin class.  I'm done not caring anymore!  I just hope caring doesn't kill me.

Triathlon training

We have OFFICIALLY started the triathlon training.  I thought my husband might be more resistant but he is willing to go to the gym and head out on runs whenever I ask.  You can tell he is discouraged with his lack of cardiovascular endurance.. which means we need to start hitting spinn classes HARD!  Spin class seriously is my heart.  I would love to go 5 times a week if I could swing it... it just kicks your butt.. pushes you beyond measure and DRASTICALLY increases your hearts ability to keep on keepin' on!! :)  My attempt for spinn will be to get him to the gym at 5:30 in the morning on his days off... I'm sure he will not be too thrilled... but he is really trying to enjoy this.  I think he actually believes that he MIGHT enjoy it if he didn't feel so "out-of-shape".  I'm considering putting together weight lifting programs for him... but the gym we go to is a city rec center and the weight room is not close to big enough for the amount of people who utilize it so we shall see. 
I have found that when I exercise, it's easier to eat right!  Weird I know.. but I am way more health consicous when I feel better about me and that's what exercise does for me!  Hope you are all doing well!!  

The plan

Okay... my hubby has decided to do a triathlon with me and has agreed to working out with me.  Our regular schedule will look like this:

Monday: Swim laps

Tuesday: RUN

Wednesday: Swim laps

Thursday : RUN

Friday : REST

Saturday: Morning spin class at the gym

Sunday: Family hike

I also am going to start making sure to eat within 30 minutes of waking up and drinking my water again! 

Bah!!  Must make like Nike and JUST DO IT!

Having a plan

I weighed in this morning.  I was surprised that I haven't GAINED weight.  (Although I have GAINED a ton since my lowest number this month!) I ended the month with a small loss.... of.... drumrol.... 1.6 lbs. BOO!! 
Oh well.
June is gone.  July is here and I owe it to ME to kick July's ass!!  Instead of going off the old premise of "I already know how to do this, blah blah blah" I'm going off a new PLAN!!  A guideline.  Something I WILL stick to and remind myself of daily. SO... here goes.
I'm going to drink AT LEAST 80 ozs of water a day!!
NO SUGAR!
NO WHITE FLOUR!
LIMITED PROCESSED CARBS!
PORTION CONTROL!! (on special occasions I will not pass up on food... but I will NOT allow myself to overindulge.  Everything must be cut at LEAST in half if it is against one of the above rules.)
EXERCISE!!  (Guess who hasn't done ANY exercise since Ragnar?) 
I intend to come up with an exercise regimen that involves running, biking, swimming and lifting. I will post that fancey schedule by Monday and get my ass in gear.  I MISS the gym... but I also don't have the same type of gym here... (they exist but a family pass at the community center seemed like a better choice for the family.)
Okay.. next month I'm going to at least FEEL AMAZING!!  Even if I'm not down 13 lbs... :) Good luck to all of you!!