Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Nightmares

I went back to Colorado very briefly this weekend for Neena's wedding.  I wish I would have had time to see and do all the things I wanted to do but to be very honest.. not only was there very little time, but there wasn't a lot within my comfort zone.  See... people in Utah... they knew me back when I was over 200 lbs... but the Colorado folk... they've never known me to be large at all... and... as I laid on the floor of a friends basement after arriving there at 3 o'clock in the morning... I had a dream.. that people wouldn't recognize me because of my new found keg around the middle. 
I met Neena when I worked at the gym... so each time people at the wedding would ask me how we knew them... I would have to tell them that I was her personal trainer the previous summer and every time I would start with "it's kind of embarrassing" because seriously... how embarrassing that last summer I was a personal trainer and this summer... I'm tiptoeing around an unhealthy BMI eating my own words... and sorrow! 
I still have not figured out how to cope.  How to be ME and still be a student, and a mom, and a wife, and health conscious! 
GAH!!  I have got to get this figured out now... strange I know.... but somedays I wonder if I actually know how.  I mean... I know how to lose weight.. cause I did it before RIGHT?  Except I'm not that girl anymore... I'm someone else.  Maybe I'm more like who I want to become but less like the complete package I desperately want to be.  I've never felt so intelligent and necessary to humanity before as I do when I'm LEARNING in school... but I also feel so incredibly LARGE and out of shape and hypocritical on a daily basis.  Food glorious food!  I think I'm going to dig out my "The Eat Clean Diet" and freshen up on why I loved that way of living!
Hope you are all well! :)

5 comments:

Dani said...

See this is what amazes me about you. You have lost the weight before, and I know you can do it again! You were able to balance it last summer with all your responsibilities, and adding such a large thing as school will take some re-adjusting to. And Im sure everyone agrees that you do know how to loose the weight. I love the eat clean book you recommended to me, and I hope you can find your way by re-reading it! I hate to see you struggle but I know you will pull through because of everything you taught me last summer!

Elise said...

I too, hate to see you struggle. I love you! HOWEVER, I have come to believe that finding the true 'package' that makes 'us' will take a lifetime. There will be times we are the perfect weight, but not the perfect 'other stuff'. Or visa versa in so many different varieties. You are on the right path. You are doing your best, and that is enough. Work every day to be a better you, an all around you, and someday you'll find the 'package' you desire is forming. You can do it. We all can do it. We just have to agree it takes longer than we want...but it's worth working for it!!!

Inspired said...

Oh man. I am SO struggling with finding a balance. I am SO either ON or totally OFF. God help us all!!

Amy said...

I'm sure you are much more aware of any weight you've gained than those you're meeting. My honest opinion? I think it can be good to gain weight once after losing it and go through it again. When I lost 110 lbs I thought I was the shit. I wasn't like 'those' people who weren't losing weight. I DID it! And, I remember telling my husband I'd never be fat again. Ug. Here I am again! Yep, with a whole new appreciation and a giant slice of humble pie. You can do it again and learn so much more about yourself and how you're going to manage it for the rest of your life. It sucks to have to think that way, but that's been my lesson in all of this. For the rest of my life I'm going to have to be careful. Hate it!

Moi said...

It is hard to find balance. I think that is biggest part. Losing weight in theory is easy but finding time to fit it in gets much harder.

Good luck. Just remember, you don't have to be perfect. We love you even if you are not super skinny. I will kick your butt if you put back on 200 pounds but if you are at the top of your healthy bmi at least its still in the healthy range.