I lied

I lied when I said I "don't care if you think I'm selfish." It was a fib...

I can't get over it. I keep thinking that I must somehow be unbalanced... that I need to figure this out.... but after 2 weeks of distress I've discovered something.

I can't give to anyone when I don't give to myself.

I have spent 2 weeks being self-loathing and depressed. I've gone out of my way to NOT go out of my way for me. I've skipped the gym.. I've skipped the whole foods store... I've tried to make due with what my husband and children INSIST on making due with and as a result: I HATE LIFE! I hate everything about it. I haven't upped my game and become more giving to you or anyone else because I am NOT CAPABLE OF IT in this state of mind.

I NEED to be selfish. I HAVE to make time for me. I HAVE to feed me right in order to be happy, healthy, outgoing, kind, energetic, beautiful, eager to serve my kiddos, eager to serve you.

You have to choose... do you want depressed, self-loathing, lazy me OR do you want happy, energetic, selfish me? There is no balance.. it's one or the other... I am an extreme woman... there is no in between.

Life Happens

Life has been beyond stressful for me. My weight training class ended and my hubby has taken my obligation free evenings as an opportunity for him to get caught up at work. I do not blame him for this... I want him to be less stressed.. but oh me oh my... being home alone with my kids for 12-13 hours a day (and NOT having time away in the evenings) takes its toll on me. NOT TO MENTION.. he is salaried so I can't even use retail therapy as a stress reliever! Instead.. I sit at home and play on facebook, and think about everything I want to do and be and see and occasionally... cry.
Exercise makes me a better me. I am a better everything to everyone when I take a little time for myself. It is EXHAUSTING to try to be everything to everyone all the time.. when there is no time for me. I'm tired. I would love to get out this weekend... but the forecast is WET!! I will most definitely be doing 8 miles on the treadmill on Sunday so there is my bonus but SHEESH! I need a day at the spa! Anyone want to pay? I'm good company! ;o)
PS. I'm still going to the gym at 5 am... but when you go that early you feel lazy the whole rest of the day. UGH!

Hard work

Just wanted everyone to know that I've gone through the interview process to start training at a club in Fort Collins. HOPEFULLY I'll be hearing from someone in the next couple of days! WISH ME LUCK! :)

Selfish?

This weekend was ROUGH... not because of anything I did... but because someone very close to me has decided that I need to know how incredibly selfish I am.

Why am I selfish?

Because I go to the gym in the mornings and I cook meals that are healthy even if people don't like them.

Being selfish....

that used to be one of my excuses.

I couldn't take "time away from my family" to get to the gym.

I couldn't buy produce that was just going to go to waste.

I refused to leave my husband home with the kiddos... to avoid him getting frustrated...

INSTEAD.. I sat around my house and got fatter and fatter... until I was 200 lbs and couldn't take it anymore.

Now... I'm healthy, thin and active and apparently SELFISH!! Here's the difference though.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK I'M SELFISH!!!!

I don't do this for me.. I do this to be around for my family. To be an active part of my childrens lives. To be a happier/healthier wife to my hubby. I feed them healthier food because I LOVE THEM!! Someday maybe they will see it... for now... I'll just be selfish... because honestly... all I want is to keep them as long as possible and I suppose... THAT is selfish!

Inspiration?

Archives... one year ago!
Kids say the darndest things
So the other day I was talking to my boys about running... we are planning on running a 5k as a family. I must have mentioned that it's hard and sometimes their bodies will hurt when my 7 year old looked at me and said "Mom, pain is just weakness leaving your body!" (This, I'm sure, is something he's been taught in gymnastics!) So.. because I am an "over-thinker" I was up most of the night thinking about this statement!

I think that through all of life's struggles, it takes the pain to make us stronger people. I also think of those times when I'm at the gym and it hurts. I know that when I push past the pain, I'm building endurance, and when I let it get the better of me, I feel like I've failed. So the next time I'm on the treadmill and I think maybe I'm pushing myself too hard, or I'm tempted to change my goal by 1/2 a mile, I'm going to imagine the weakness drifting away! Because my little guy was absolutely right and in the end, all of the pain is worth the strength you gain when you push through it. :o)

I haven't blogged in over a week.. pretty insane for me BUT.. I'm in that blogging funk again.. where I feel like I've lost my relatability factor. Like I've been kicked out of the fat girl club and now no matter what I say... people are just going to roll their eyes and tell their computer screen that I couldn't possibly know how they feel! It's been a week. Not good.. not horrible.. just keepin' on.

Eating to live... or eating to die?

I've noticed a trend with me. For the most part I LOVE LIFE!! I'm a pretty positive, happy, person and I have found a ton of confidence and LOVE for everyday life especially as I have continued to reach goals. I believe that life is beautiful... and most days I want to live till I'm 383. I eat right because I know that what I put into my mouth directly effects how long I will be around for my husband, children and family. I EAT TO LIVE!! Because I LOVE LIVING!!!

So.. this weekend I realized something. I AM NOT AN EMOTIONAL EATER... some days though... when I feel like I'm being beaten down OVER AND OVER... when I feel like my efforts are in disarray.. that my balance is off... that I'm under appreciated and over criticised... when I'm PMSy, bloated and exhausted...those days.. when I feel like life is hard... I eat to die.

I don't eat sugar to "treat myself" I eat it to PUNISH MYSELF! I don't over-indulge or go crazy on portion sizes because I have no self control... I do it because I am intentionally trying to take minutes off my life. I surely don't want to die... but in moments of struggle... I surrender myself to my own sabotage and EAT like it doesn't matter. Like LIFE doesn't matter. Like being around for my kids and grandkids and 383rd birthday DOESN'T MATTER!!

It's been a rough weekend. And there has been plenty of available bad choices. I ate like I didn't care if there was no tomorrow... and today, I'm switching gears.

TODAY.. my punishment is EXERCISE!! Today.. I'm going to get to the gym (again) and kick my own ass. Today I'm reclaiming those minutes I ate away over the weekend.

HEAVEN HELP ME MAKE TODAY A GOOD DAY!

Things that make you go hmmm....

Yesterday I went and got my body fat tested using the "gold" standard of body fat composition testing.. AKA Hydrostatic body fat testing. Basically you sit in a scale in water, (This one was like a big diaper) and you blow ALL of the air out of your lungs. Once your lungs are empty, you emerge your entire body under water. The idea is that the only 2 elements lighter than water are FAT and AIR... so... the scale weighs EVERYTHING BUT those two elements. Then they take your current rate and do some math to determine your Body Fat Percentage! This is supposed to be pretty fool proof for a few reasons...

1. It does not require a person to be dehydrated/starved as the weight of food particles does not count against you.

2. It is not positional like BEI units (hand held or scales) which can show a completely different reading based on where you are standing on the scale or at what height you are holding the handheld device.

HOWEVER... I did notice a few things. The scale jumps around and some dude has to attempt to determine what it actually is reading (it's like a food scale in the produce aisle).

Okay.. so they do it and they write your stuff down and you have to call later.. when they are done doing all the weighing to get your results.

I called like 2 minutes after they said I can call and got my result. I was CONFUSED... really? Hmm.. okay.. thanks. Then I hung up the phone and thought about it some more. I thought about the girl who went in the water after me and thought... hmm.. maybe they gave me HER RESULT!

So.. I picked up the phone and called them AGAIN! I got a different guy and asked him if he could double check. He sort of chuckled at me and went to his list then said, "KARI ADAMS.....

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17.76%!!!!!!!!"

Holy Toledo Batman! I am AT MY GOAL!!

LOVE IT!!

P.S. I'm still not completely convinced that this result is right.. that buff girl behind me could easily have pulled this number BUT... my favorite Lady LISA says she absolutely believes if from looking at me... I will do it again next month and see what happens!