Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I lied

I lied when I said I "don't care if you think I'm selfish." It was a fib...
I can't get over it. I keep thinking that I must somehow be unbalanced... that I need to figure this out.... but after 2 weeks of distress I've discovered something.
I can't give to anyone when I don't give to myself.
I have spent 2 weeks being self-loathing and depressed. I've gone out of my way to NOT go out of my way for me. I've skipped the gym.. I've skipped the whole foods store... I've tried to make due with what my husband and children INSIST on making due with and as a result: I HATE LIFE! I hate everything about it. I haven't upped my game and become more giving to you or anyone else because I am NOT CAPABLE OF IT in this state of mind.
I NEED to be selfish. I HAVE to make time for me. I HAVE to feed me right in order to be happy, healthy, outgoing, kind, energetic, beautiful, eager to serve my kiddos, eager to serve you.
You have to choose... do you want depressed, self-loathing, lazy me OR do you want happy, energetic, selfish me? There is no balance.. it's one or the other... I am an extreme woman... there is no in between.


Amanda said...

It is so true!!!! I have realized that i am my best self when I remember to take care of me. But it is hard to get past thinking you're selfish. I always feel a little guilty. But when I forget about me I become "MONSTER MOM" as my kids would say. And that's not the me I want to be or the me that people enjoy. So I say take care of you so you can take care of others. :) It's all good.

Spitfire said...

Okay, mabye we are all thinking about this in the wrong light. Selfishness IS a negative thing. Just the word selfish has so many negative connotations with it. What you are doing Karilynn is NOT selfish. What we are all doing is NOT selfish. It's taking care of ourselves. When we do that, we're much better people, lovers, mothers, sisters, friends. So, get that negative connotation out of your head. You are NOT doing something wrong, you are NOT doing something negative. What you ARE doing is something positive, and I say if people have issues with that, then perhaps THEY are selfish!
There is nothing negative or wrong with striving to live your best life for you, especially when it lights your fire so much and makes you have such a zest and zeal for life which just translates to everything you touch. Go with it. Live it. PROUDLY! xoxo

Jessica B said...

YOU ARE EXTREME! Extremely talented, smart patient, and giving. Yo are far from selfish and deserve whatever time you need to feel good. Darin must learn his balance because it takes two to tango and I know you have been trying for years.

Rico said...

It's difficult to shake some of the hurtful things that get thrown our way, isn't it? Take heart. You are not alone in your battle. Living healthy and getting yourself back is not selfish. I think it might be jealousy. Jealousy that you are taking the actual steps to improve yourself as opposed to just talking. Walk the walk! You can do it!

Spar-Mar Girl said...

Hello there! I have to admit that I've been blog stalking you for awhile, but rarely have the guts to comment. However, as someone that has known you for a while, but haven't been super close since you started your weight loss journey, I wanted to point something out:

When we were neighbors I always enjoyed hanging out. But it seemed like there was always something that was bothering you-it was hard to see you excited about just life in general. Then you started your journey. The changes I've seen through your blog and in talking to you are really noticeable. You seem genuinely happy with life. You're not waiting around for something good to happen to you anymore-you're out there MAKING it work! While I'm sure it's an adjustment for your family, I can't believe they would rather have the old you instead of the new you!! You've done AMAZING things and now you're trying to pay it forward and show people how to find the good and happy things that are just waiting to be found! Nothing about that is selfish.

Moi said...

Why is it when boy do things for themself (i.e. sit and drink beer, go golfing) they are not being selfish but when a girl wants to go to the gym instead of fawning over their family is?

Take time for you if it gives you your sanity. A crabby bitchy mommy isn't a good one, fat or thin.

Take care of yourself.

Jen said...

Obviously I have only known you for a while, by association... but I have to agree with what everyone else has said, you aren't being selfish, and don't let ANYONE put that guilt on you! You are doing what you should be doing, and if someone else can't be happy for you, that is there problem, not yours! I've been lucky that the people I'm closest to, spend the most time with, are excited and happy and cheering me on, but I have plenty of people (family members) that definitely are NOT in that group! if possible, I limit my contact with those people, and that helps, but if you cant limit contact, just keep remembering what everyone has said here! you are the bomb :)

Jewel said...

First...I don't believe that you hate life. You have had too much zest, zeal, and joy for that.

I think you hate the position you are placed in right now.

But you are absolutely right when you say you cannot give to others if you don't give to yourself. And if your family is expecting that...then really they are the ones being selfish.

Yes as a mom (and wife) you have certain responsibilities. But that doesn't mean you have to drain yourself dry into an empty shell to fulfill them.

You need to drink from the well first...and then you will be full enough to give back.