How losing weight has changed me.

Friday was my nursing school orientation and holy geeze was it amazing.  I always knew I would be a nurse "someday" but I honestly never planned on prioritizing enough to have that happen before I was 50.  I never ACTUALLY believed I would be willing to make a commitment like this.. to myself or anyone else.. and this is what has brought me to blog today. 
Losing weight has always been about MORE to me then a number on a scale.  A LOT of my drive came from the concept of FINISHING SOMETHING FOR ONCE!!  I have always been a slacker when it comes to committing.  I had a list of obstacles a mile long and that list kept me from achieving much of anything.  Because I accepted them as a reality of my defeats.  And I was okay with that. 
When I committed to 5 months of sticking to something, I never dreamed it would change me completely.  I wasn't even sure that I was actually going to lose a single pound.. I was just insistent that I was going to START and FINISH this competition.  In fact, the lack of support from everyone around me [when I first started] only solidified my devotion to do it.  Because in the past I had proven myself incapable of following through.  If you are just starting your journey, know now that even though your loved ones WANT you to succeed... they don't actually believe you will.  If your significant other doesn't seem to be jumping for joy that you are taking on a healthier life.. it's because he/she doesn't actually think you are going to stick to it and he/she does not want to be in trouble for anything they may have said to encourage you when you fail.
After losing my first 50 lbs I wrote this. 
So today.... 2 years after I started.. here is a new list.  A list of things I've learned and overcome on this crazy journey that started out as a 5 month commitment and completely changed my life!

1. Commitment:  I have learned that I have the ability to fully commit to things.  I do not just take on things with a hope of survival, I take them on determined to thrive.

2. Word elimination:  I no longer use words like can't, want, try.  These words sound like fluff to me.  You will not find me saying "I want to lose 10 lbs!" BECAUSE  I know I CAN do it. I WILL lose 10 lbs, end of discussion. ;) (P.S. I'm down 4!!!!)  I know that you all know that when your children/friends/spouses say the word "try" it means they will do it if it is convenient for them.  DON'T TRY!!  DO IT!!

3.  Vision:  My vision no longer seems like an unattainable dream... it is reality.  I no longer long to be this or that.. I see what I want and I GO FOR IT!!  Life is too short to live in a world of ambitions and goals.  I stopped making goals a long time ago.. I make commitments and it is ON!

4. Overcoming fear:  I've never been overly outwardly fearful but I have ALWAYS been afraid of failure.. in fact, fear of failure is why I never lost weight in the past (I was overweight for 9 years).  It's also why I never finished a single college level class (after marriage) and why I NEVER EVER would have started nursing school or anything else for that matter.  I was terrified of failure... and now... well, failure isn't an option.  Sound cliche?  I know... but honestly IT'S TRUE!  I do not fear failure at all because I refuse to go there.

5.  Fear of hard work:  Umm.. yes.. this would have been the definition of me in the past.  As a general rule of thumb I lived by the concept that "if it doesn't come easy to me... it isn't worth the effort."  WOW!!  I have done a complete 180 on that one.  I LOVE hard work now.  I love to do things that others think are impossible.  I love to go the extra mile [or 2] because I have learned how to push myself beyond what I ever thought was possible.  I am not afraid to work hard, I only fear complacency now.

6.  Overcoming obstacles:  Somewhere along this journey I redefined my obstacles as my EXCUSES.   I finally embraced the truth, that the mile long list of obstacles was a list of things I ALLOWED to get in the way of my success.  I never really made a list in the beginning.. in my archives I found this and it truly is a list of everything I let define me for a VERY long time.  On Friday, the director of my school asked us to shout out answers, of things that might get in the way of our success in the program... and I just couldn't contribute.  I refuse to believe that there are obstacles that can get in the way of my success... because I WILL NEVER LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN!! 

7.  Accountability:  I just joined Lisa's biggest loser challenge.  I'm sure there were people in the room who seriously couldn't figure out what I was doing there.  So here is my confession to all of you.  I need to lose weight I have gained in the last 4 months.  No excuses.  Life is always hard.  I just let myself lose a little bit of fire.  I don't want to lose this weight because I think I look bad (because I look just fine) I want to lose it because I DON'T want to become complacent and have these 10 lbs turn into twenty and so on and so forth until I'm back to where I started. 

The magic of a year.

I have this friend on facebook who has posted these random "ecards" with funny insight on her page. The first one that I posted yesterday was meant to be funny but this one well.. I felt it BLOG worthy!

Here's the deal:  We decide we are FINALLY going to do it, and get all pumped up RIGHT?!?!  And then.. we are perfect for like 3 days and we get on the scale and WHAT??  1/2 a lb!?  THAT'S IT?!?!? 

And we give up.  Exercise and nutrition was a dumb idea anyway! ;)  And a year goes by.  And some of you.. are sitting in the exact same spot you started last year with nothing to show but maybe a little reassurance that it can't be done and an overwhelming feeling that you are meant to be fat FOREVER! 

I was one of these people!  I had decided to embrace my fat self and take the world on in my awesome Lane Bryant jeans.  I DO GET THIS!

So this is where the card comes in.  When you give up.. you deny yourself the opportunity to grow.  So what if you have 100, 200 or even 300 lbs to lose???  The point is this: you have an opportunity to be successful by just sticking to it.  If you lost only 1 lb a week.. then by this day next year you would be 52 lbs lighter! 

When we give up on ourselves, on putting forth effort into reaching OUR goals... we deny ourselves the opportunity to become better.  Not better because our pants are smaller... BETTER because we have learned to push ourselves, learned that the limits we make up in our head are BULLSHIT!  That we can do things we never dreamed, never thought were possible.  That we can prove people around us wrong by finishing what we start.  That we can wake up a year from now and say.. I can't believe it's been a whole year since I started this crazy journey!!  LOOK AT ME NOW!!

Just make a change. Change your diet.  Start exercising. AND KEEP DOING IT!! You've got this... you've just got to believe it, and you will be unstoppable!

EXHAUSTING!

New year....

I've been trying to imagine what I would write on the first day of the new year.  I must admit, I never expected to be anticipating so much change in the next 365 days.  I face this new year with FEAR.  Fear for what we may be encountering, that I might not be able to hold it together, that I might become more vulnerable and less confidant in the world around me.  It's already starting of course, I struggle daily to find a new focus.. one that doesn't involve time... and time is something I desperately strive to overcome.  Whatever is to come in the next year, I pray for strength to not lose myself. 

I'm starting nursing school in 10 days. I'm excited and nervous.  I am smart, I know I will do fantastic... but I'm also easily annoyed and don't like stupid people.  I get frustrated with people who repeatedly ask stupid questions.  I am sort of a social oddity.  I'm funny, clever, whitty, blunt, honest, intelligent, and did I mention I hate stupid people?   I just honestly have no idea if I will have a single friend in school, because few people get me, or should I say?? Few people can keep up with me.  It's funny that I worry about this because the reality is, I don't REALLY care if people LIKE me... but I do care when they don't.  I am not used to having peers.  I have been out of school for 12.5 years. I identify with my fat self, which makes no sense to people who didn't know me when I was bigger.  UGH!!  I guess maybe this year I should just figure out who the hell I am!! 

So here goes.. my goals for 2011.  The things I CAN CONTROL!!!

I will run 1000 miles this year, including at least 2 half marathons and one sprint triathlon.

I will get down to my maintenance weight and stay between 120-125 lbs. 

I will THRIVE (not just survive) in nursing school.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

1000 Miles??

I've been trying to find some sort of goal/focus to get me back on track.  I would love to do another Sprint Triathlon this year and plan on doing another half marathon in June, but I've been looking for something to do right now without much luck.  A friend of mine posted something on her facebook yesterday.  Her goal for the year is to run 1000 miles.  That's a little less than 20 miles a week.. and it sounds BRILLIANT to me!!  I mean really.. why the heck not right?  How fun to keep track of every mile I run with some long/shortterm goal in mind. 

1000 Miles?  Sounds like a plan! ;)

My Lists

I often get asked how to stay motivated to succeed in weight loss.  I wish I had some perfect answer, or that I could simply bottle it and give out samples... but the reality is.. I CANNOT MOTIVATE OTHERS.  We all have different things that drive us.  Different things that keep us going.  Different reasons why we want to succeed.  I am no exception to this.  I must find motivation on days I want to give up.  I HAVE to drag my butt to the gym some days.  I make nutritional bloopers.  I have PMS and chocolate cravings and some days I'm a wreck. 

Life is hard. 

When people ask me for help, I ask them to make 2 lists.  One - of all the reasons they want to succeed and one - of all of the obstacles standing in their way. (You would be surprised how many people NEVER bother making these lists when they realize I have no quick fix.)

And so, for your viewing pleasure.... my NEW lists:

Why I Want to Succeed:

1.  To prove it can be done.  I have done so well in the past at losing, I figured out maintaining for about a year... but when life got harder... I sort of lost it.  Must pull it together again.

2.  To fit [comfortably] into all the cute jeans I was wearing this time last year.

3.  To be a role model.  This is where I would have said, to be around for my kids longer etc... etc... but my focus HAS to change from this.  My 60 year old, incredibly health conscious mother in law has pancreatic cancer and will most likely be gone before spring.... I used to believe that healthy lifestyles = long lives, but it simply isn't true.  This will be my biggest obstacle.  It is incredibly hard mentally for me to work SO hard knowing that all my hard work could be in vein.  MUST find a new focus as my 383rd birthday is simply not a guarantee.

4.  To NOT be a hypocrite.  I know that's probably lame... but I don't want to have to eat all these pretty words I've been typing for 2 years.  I know it's possible... so damn it, I'm going to stick to it.

5.  To fit into the scrubs I bought for school that are too tight to wear in public.  (I start school in 2 weeks and seriously, I bought one pair of scrubs that shouldn't be too tight but are!) BOO!!

6.  To continue to inspire others to dig in and find their motivation.

7.  To keep that WOW factor.  (I can't help but love the "I can't believe you have 4 kids, you are so tiny" comments.

8.  To feel good about me.  Exercise and eating right make me feel euphoric.  Don't want to lose it.

9.  To live life without becoming complacent.  I do not want to be the person who gives up on what I really want because I fall into the "good enoughs." NO NO NO!!!

10.  To be HEALTHY!!  That's right boys and girls.. even though there are no guarantees in quantity of life, I can surely guarantee myself QUALITY of life. 

My Obstacles:

1.  My 4 kiddos.  I don't want to sacrifice time with my children.  I used to believe I was buying myself time, it was a fair trade.  Now, I realize that there is no guarantee that I'm buying time so...

2. School.  I start nursing school in 2 weeks!

3.  Money.  Eating right isn't cheap.

5.  Pancreatic cancer.  My mom-in-laws diagnois of this disease has destroyed a lot of my drive.  Some days, I wonder why I should even bother with all this hard work?  Why should I skip out on overindulgence?  Why bother exercising?  Because none of that seems to matter to pancreatic cancer.  I don't want to die.  And this disease has been a huge reminder to me that life is not guaranteed.  And it pretty much pisses me off.

6. My husband.  My husband has always been my biggest hurdle.  He scowls at me when I cook myself healthy food.  He makes snotty comments when I go to the gym.  He openly voices his annoyance when I spend money on food for myself because ultimately he refuses to eat the way I do.   He even mentioned to me yesterday that he has "no faith in me." As he rolled his eyes at my mention of potty training my 2 year old.  Sometimes I think he WANTS ME to feel like crap.  That he prefers a less confidant me.  He is my sabotage.  He is the one obstacle that I seem to always let defeat me.  I have spent 2 years trying to find a balance only to discover that he is only happy when I don't do for me. 

Reality check:  My list of obstacles is my list of excuses.  In the past I've checked these off the list, one by one... and now... I must figure out how to do it all over again.  Everything is different now.  I am different now.  I have come to realize that there are no guarantees in life, something I used to be sort of, blind to.  I have used my love for life as a motivating factor to DO... and now, I've got to find a whole new reason to succeed.   

 Anyone out there reading, I would love to know....

WHAT DRIVES YOU??? 

 And in case you were interested, here is MY LIST of reasons from day one of this blogging adventure! 

I wonder...

This morning, as I fished my yoga pants from the bottom of my drawer, I couldn't help but laugh at the idea that those particular pants had been "trying not to get their hopes up" every other day I had reached in that drawer for the last 2 months! ;)

Treadmill class sort of felt like punishment for 2 months of being bad.  I ran just a little over 5.5 miles and never quit.. though I felt like dying.  I actually was really interested in the other women on the treadmills.  OF the 10 in the class, at least 5 of them stopped repeatedly during the workout to do things like; drink their water, wipe their face, or stretch.  I see those things as EXCUSES to stop and wondered how many of them had any idea what it meant to REALLY work hard.  It was like a bunch of women who had NO CLUE what it is like to be OBESE.  I found myself wishing so badly that the other ladies in the cardio room were on those machines.  Those ladies are the ones I relate to.. the ones busting their ass at the gym, feeling like it is IMPOSSIBLE to be one of the gals on the treadmill.  I wanted to scream out.. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!  But, I couldn't breath and refused to stop so I just kept on running!

Food for today:

Breakfast: 2 egg whites, 1/4 cup oats cooked in water with 1 t honey and a little cinnamon

Midmorning Snack: One scoop of protein shake (125 calories and 21 g protein) with a small fuji apple.

Lunch: Chicken salad which consisted of 1 roma tomatoe, romaine lettuce, 4.3 ounces of chicken sauteed in balsamic vinegar, a little feta cheese and 2 T of vinageratte dressing (45 calories in 2 T.)

This was YUMMY!!!

Dinner: Taco salad with no processed carbs so.,.. meat, cheese, light sourcream, avocado, FF refried beans, olives, onions, tomato and a WHOLE LOTTA LETTUCE. (This meal was probably way more calories then I needed in one sitting). 

Dessert: (This is a rarity) One tiny scoop (about 1 oz) of mint chocolate brownie ice cream. (It was a birthday party.)

So food wasn't perfect but it was SO much better!  I drank at least 80 ozs of water today and didn't feel hungry at all! :)  Tomorrow is another day.  Can't wait!