Friday, January 9, 2009

Confessions of a fat girl

I've seen some of you girls use words like "humbling" or "motivational" in regards to before pics. I honestly feel like my before pics are discouraging. I know how I got to this point and I won't linger, but these pictures make it all look SO HARD! I've always been one of those people who has things come relatively easy to me when it comes to learning new things. I realize now that I always back down when I don't have instant results. I am SO grateful for this competition and all of you. I realize that just as much about FINISHING SOMETHING as it is about losing weight for me.
It is so awesome to share a common goal with so many women who are all here to support eachother.
On another note: I feel motivated to do so much more in life lately. I actually woke up and put on makeup and wore a shirt that showed my arms yesterday. That might sound bizzarro but I HATE showing my arms and legs. Part of that is because I am INCREDIBLY WHITE, part is because they are FAT and part is because I have scars all over my body. I have always been a "picker". Yes as nasty as that sounds I pick at scabs. I pick at dry skin until it becomes a scab and then pick at that. I've come to realize it's an anxiety issue but I think moreso a self esteem thing. I guess I feel like I'm trapped in this body and so, I pick at it, to punish it or something. Anyway, it felt amazing to just smile and laugh and dance with my little guys. To feel pretty if just for a moment. I can't wait to have more days like that. :o) I also am grateful that I DON'T own a scale. I have to go to my mom's to weigh myself which requires me to "go into town"! I can't imagine the mind games I would be playing with myself if that damn scale was sitting next to me everytime I peed! I think I would go crazy!
Hmm.. I think I've rambled enough today! Thanks to all of you for supporting me. Together we can change eachother. :o)


Carrie said...

I am so glad that you felt beautiful, and happy in your own skin! I remember feeling that vigor to get out and show off my weight loss, to me it was 28lbs, to others I was technically still fat, but I remember looking in the mirror and seeing what i was underneath, it was a great feeling, I can't wait to get to that point again! We had such a blast in park city at the end of last years, we shopped and tried on all kinds of clothes that we normally wouldn't wear, and we laughed and had a great time! We all felt good and it showed! We even all got into swimsuits and hungout in the hot tub. We are going to do something like that this year to, you'll love it! You will feel like a new person, and it will reflect in all aspects of your life, keep up the work it is worth it and you are worth it!

Vicki said...

I know what you mean about the scale thing... Carrie suggested I stop weighing myself everyday... too discouraging... so I put it up on a dresser only to come down once a week.
I also am a picker... Since I was a kid I pick at everything.. .my mom would always say if you keep doing that you will have scars... I didn't care about that then.

Melissa said...

OH I'm a picker too! especially on my face and I have scars to show it! I think it's great that you wore a shirt showing those "imperfections" because they are part of you and aren't going anywhere. There's no reason to cover it up! I'm glad you joined our group and you can do this!