School days!

I am just starting my 3rd semester of nursing school and can already tell that this semester is going to literally kick my ass!  In previous semesters there has been a lot of tests and little assignments.  This semester.. I get BOTH! 
I am actually not a very organized person... so now I have to figure out how to fit all of this into a day.  I have school 3 days a week.. (for the next 2 weeks I get to go 4!).  In the past I've done the opposite of procrastinate... like finished the assignment two weeks in advance... but in the past I've been incredibly bored with school.
I guess what I'm saying is.. I think I'm FINALLY learning what nursing school is and it's goign to be a fantastic opportunity for me to learn to balance what would normally seem impossible to a normal human being. 
On a totally random note:  The other day I was sitting next to a friend in Micro and he placed a "whoppers" wrapper in front of me.  I mentioned something about not being able to eat sugar (which was sort of ironic since he is a type I diabetic) and when I said I needed to lose ten lbs he looked at me with disgust.  It sort of baffled me.  Which only shows that my self image is as incredibly messed up as the next girl.  I also commented about going to weight watchers for a support group (because I have to attend a "support group" for psych) and the girl next to me... (whom I do not know) laughed out loud like that was funny.  So... I get it.  I'm "that" girl.  The one who isn't "fat" who people will always think is nuts for trying to be smaller. 
Welcome to my nutty brain!  :)

Ready set go!

It's been an interesting month.. between finals, my new job, and my boys being home for the summer life has been busy!!  I also got shingles right after finals.  And I went to the Dr. and started on an anti-depressant.... I am trying to take back control of my life.  About 2 weeks ago I decided that tough love is the answer!  I got online and signed up for a half marathon and have been RUNNING again! :)  I figure either I will train and lose weight or I will run it out of shape and attempt to not die!  Either way.. I'm running the race!  I managed to get back down to the weight I was in July and so.. I am officially in this month.  To be honest.. I need the money... :)  Money is quite a motivator isn't it? 

Okay... really... I'm serious... I am going to get into the 120's this month. 

So... I need to make goals and DECIDE to do it.

#1 -  No sugar. Period.

#2 - WATER WATER WATER!!  AT least 80 ozs a day.

#3 - NO ALCOHOL!! 

#4 - 5 meals a day. 

#5 -  RUN!!!  At least 4 times a week!  Walk hills 2 days a week.

#6 - Cancel gym membership... total waste of money!

#7 - NO EXCUSES!!!

I am going to make a print out of this and put it all over the place!  My fridge... my school binder... the bathroom mirror... anywhere I will see it.  I know it's important that I remind myself daily. 

Now... WHY?  Why do I want this?

#1.  Because it's getting cold and I don't fit into any of my pants.

#2  Because being small is an advantage in flight nursing.

#3  Because I want to be an example of healthy living for my children.

#4  Because I miss feeling "cute".

#5  Because I want to feel in CONTROL of me.

#6  Because I love me when I am exercising.

#7  Because life is way too short to spend it wishing for something more.

#8 TO FINISH WHAT I START!! 

I'm serious!!  It's on!

Again

I bought the book.  I'm reading it.  I'm remembering how amazing I felt when I was the Clean Eating Queen.  Fingers crossed... here I go AGAIN!

Nightmares

I went back to Colorado very briefly this weekend for Neena's wedding.  I wish I would have had time to see and do all the things I wanted to do but to be very honest.. not only was there very little time, but there wasn't a lot within my comfort zone.  See... people in Utah... they knew me back when I was over 200 lbs... but the Colorado folk... they've never known me to be large at all... and... as I laid on the floor of a friends basement after arriving there at 3 o'clock in the morning... I had a dream.. that people wouldn't recognize me because of my new found keg around the middle. 
I met Neena when I worked at the gym... so each time people at the wedding would ask me how we knew them... I would have to tell them that I was her personal trainer the previous summer and every time I would start with "it's kind of embarrassing" because seriously... how embarrassing that last summer I was a personal trainer and this summer... I'm tiptoeing around an unhealthy BMI eating my own words... and sorrow! 
I still have not figured out how to cope.  How to be ME and still be a student, and a mom, and a wife, and health conscious! 
GAH!!  I have got to get this figured out now... strange I know.... but somedays I wonder if I actually know how.  I mean... I know how to lose weight.. cause I did it before RIGHT?  Except I'm not that girl anymore... I'm someone else.  Maybe I'm more like who I want to become but less like the complete package I desperately want to be.  I've never felt so intelligent and necessary to humanity before as I do when I'm LEARNING in school... but I also feel so incredibly LARGE and out of shape and hypocritical on a daily basis.  Food glorious food!  I think I'm going to dig out my "The Eat Clean Diet" and freshen up on why I loved that way of living!
Hope you are all well! :)

Tired

I have recently realized that I have not only let myself go... but I have let everything go.  I cannot remember a time in my adult life when I allowed my house to be a disaster ALL THE TIME!!  Granted.. I have 4 boys... but for the most part I have always cleaned my house on a daily basis.  I strongly dislike the place I live... and I use it as an excuse to let it look like a shit hole... and it's driving me insane. 
It's hard to look around and realize that in a house of 6 people.. I'm the ONLY one who GIVES A SHIT!  The whole thing translates to me being the only one who has any desire or sense of responsibilty to NOT live in a shit whole... it's overwhelming.. I'm really mad.  I am tired.  Tired of being unhealthy.... tired of being ashamed when my boys open the front door and their is a stranger on my porch.  Tired of walking in the house and walking past something that surely needs to be picked up.  Tired of everything. 
It's 5:15 in the morning and I'm getting ready for spin class.  I'm done not caring anymore!  I just hope caring doesn't kill me.

Triathlon training

We have OFFICIALLY started the triathlon training.  I thought my husband might be more resistant but he is willing to go to the gym and head out on runs whenever I ask.  You can tell he is discouraged with his lack of cardiovascular endurance.. which means we need to start hitting spinn classes HARD!  Spin class seriously is my heart.  I would love to go 5 times a week if I could swing it... it just kicks your butt.. pushes you beyond measure and DRASTICALLY increases your hearts ability to keep on keepin' on!! :)  My attempt for spinn will be to get him to the gym at 5:30 in the morning on his days off... I'm sure he will not be too thrilled... but he is really trying to enjoy this.  I think he actually believes that he MIGHT enjoy it if he didn't feel so "out-of-shape".  I'm considering putting together weight lifting programs for him... but the gym we go to is a city rec center and the weight room is not close to big enough for the amount of people who utilize it so we shall see. 
I have found that when I exercise, it's easier to eat right!  Weird I know.. but I am way more health consicous when I feel better about me and that's what exercise does for me!  Hope you are all doing well!!  

The plan

Okay... my hubby has decided to do a triathlon with me and has agreed to working out with me.  Our regular schedule will look like this:

Monday: Swim laps

Tuesday: RUN

Wednesday: Swim laps

Thursday : RUN

Friday : REST

Saturday: Morning spin class at the gym

Sunday: Family hike

I also am going to start making sure to eat within 30 minutes of waking up and drinking my water again! 

Bah!!  Must make like Nike and JUST DO IT!

Having a plan

I weighed in this morning.  I was surprised that I haven't GAINED weight.  (Although I have GAINED a ton since my lowest number this month!) I ended the month with a small loss.... of.... drumrol.... 1.6 lbs. BOO!! 
Oh well.
June is gone.  July is here and I owe it to ME to kick July's ass!!  Instead of going off the old premise of "I already know how to do this, blah blah blah" I'm going off a new PLAN!!  A guideline.  Something I WILL stick to and remind myself of daily. SO... here goes.
I'm going to drink AT LEAST 80 ozs of water a day!!
NO SUGAR!
NO WHITE FLOUR!
LIMITED PROCESSED CARBS!
PORTION CONTROL!! (on special occasions I will not pass up on food... but I will NOT allow myself to overindulge.  Everything must be cut at LEAST in half if it is against one of the above rules.)
EXERCISE!!  (Guess who hasn't done ANY exercise since Ragnar?) 
I intend to come up with an exercise regimen that involves running, biking, swimming and lifting. I will post that fancey schedule by Monday and get my ass in gear.  I MISS the gym... but I also don't have the same type of gym here... (they exist but a family pass at the community center seemed like a better choice for the family.)
Okay.. next month I'm going to at least FEEL AMAZING!!  Even if I'm not down 13 lbs... :) Good luck to all of you!!

The keys to my failure....

Ragnar was a whirlwind.. but it was also full of disaster and sabotage.  I loved it and hope to do it again.  Meanwhile.. life has been exhausting.  School is great!!  The boys are great!! Summer is fun!!  And still.. life feels as if it's falling apart at the seams.  I've decided to do a sprint triathlon in August and have invited my husband to join me.  I've also decided to do a Mud run in September... I can't wait.  Right now I need a runnin g goal.  Need to find a 10k and get back to running.  If I thought for a minute I could tell you all the truth... I would write 10,000 more words.  But I can't so I won't.  Life is HARD. and overwhelming... and I'm just living.

Do you want to run a relay race

This is pretty spot on! Pictures to follow!! "It was fun!"

Whats in a week?

The week has been nutso.  I'm busy getting ready for the Ragnar Relay!!  I'm SO EXCITED!!!   I have been running and loving the couple of 2 a days I've done! (2 a day = running twice in a day).  As soon as Ragnar is over I will start to add some resistance training to my regimen.. right now.. I'm just terrified of being sore or hurting my knees.  School is crazy as usual.
 I have LOST weight!!  YAY!!!    My biggest obstacle right now is simply waiting for payday to buy more food cause right now our cupboards and fridge are lacking in the fresh foods department.  I've noticed my boobs getting smaller.  I know it's sick and wrong but I get GIDDY when my boobs start to shrink.  Its a sign that my body fat percentages is decreasing... and that's kind of the point right?  I'm hoping to be back into the 120's at the end of this month... that means a lot of steadfast effort.  I know I can do it!  I've done it before!  I just have to keep EATING LESS and MOVING MORE!!  :) YAY!!

Mad TV - Eat Less, Move More (Crista Flanagan)

Not to be insulting... I LOVE THIS!

Sick and tired of being sick... and tired...

Blah!  I've been feeling like BLAH for a couple of days now.  It started out with a head/chest cold and adopted ALLERGIES along the way.  It might sound odd.. but I'M NEVER SICK.. so anything that feels like I'm set back just makes me MAD!  It's also made me all sorts of funky.  I don't want to do what I know I should.. (like study for my fundamentals test or eat).  I also decided in the pit of my sorrow to deactivate my facebook account.. so I can spend less time on the crap that doesn't matter.. and more time on the things that do. 
Yesterday I went running twice... chest crap and all.  It felt awesome and like straight up torture depending on the moment. I just want to feel like me.  Right now.. I feel BLAH!

The pants!

This picture was taken in January of 2010.  The pants in this picture NO LONGER FIT!!!   I loved how I felt in them and I figured... I could make them my goal pants for this comp.  Yesterday I [literally] squeezed my self into them.  I broke the zipper gettng them on... but I took a picture anyway...

So... here goes nothing.. my new quest: fit into these Jeans by October!  READY SET GO!! :)

Attitude... it truly is everything.

I've been going insane over what my first blog of this comp would be about.  I wanted to imagine it as a new start, a new chapter, however you want to look at it.  I thought it would reflect some great epiphany where I remind myself that where I've come from, where I've been... none of that matters unless I know where I am going. 

Today my mother-in-law hit a new chapter in her struggles with pancreatic cancer.  She is now "officially" stage IV thanks to [inevitable] metastisis.  Which brings me to my point. 

Are you living? Or dying? 

 Marilyn is absolutely going to die.  BUT.. SO ARE YOU! 

Attitude is everything. 

So here we sit.  We all have an inevitable fate... and we make choices that can contribute to when/where/how... but reality is.. we can only choose how we live.  We do not choose how we die.  Marilyn, my mother-in-law, one of the most amazing women on the planet: SHE IS LIVING!  And her every breath challenges me to LIVE!!!  To breath!!  To enjoy every moment life has to offer.

To live until the moment I die.

This competition represents a new me.  I lost the old me when I realized that life has no guarantees.  I changed... became someone else.   I stopped LIVING.. and started resenting life.

So my new chapter begins.  Today... I will live the way I hope my children will live.  I will adopt habits that make me feel better about me.  I will do things that make waking up every morning worth the hassle.  I'm DONE feeling mediocre... I'm DONE living life like it's something owed to me.  I'm READY to be EXCEPTIONAL and to take advantage of this gift.   

Don't get caught up in that theory that "life is too short to skip on dessert".  Dessert never made you feel any better about who you are.  It never brought you to accomplish some great task.  It never taught you how powerful and strong you are... all it ever did [for me] is make me feel powerless, bloated, and inferior. 

The idea that nothing tastes as good as thin feels is TOTAL CRAP!!  But I guarantee NOTHING tastes as good as you feel when YOU are in control of you!! 

I'm taking back control! 

Watch out world. 

Spinn Class

Tomorrow morning I'm going to Spinn class.  I only have like 2 weeks of being able to go on Tuesdays so it's on! :)

Silence that means something.

So in the past when I'm not blogginb.. it's because I'm not doing anything.  LUCKILY this has NOT been the case.  I'm running like a mother.  My treadmill is my new best friend.  I love Nip/Tuck!  I bought a new pair of awesome shoes, a head lamp and a purple running hat! The one thing I'm sucking at is diet.. and that's when my new plan comes in:

I have made an executive decision: 

I'm starting a comp!  June 1-October 1.  $50 buy in.  ALL money is prizes.  Monthly and end of comp prizes and NO BOYS!!  Also I'm officially capping it!  NO MORE THAN 25 people.  And my sister Vicki is going to compete and help me keep everything running smoothly! 
ARE YOU INTERESTED????

Check

6 mile run on the treadmill last night while watching the season finale of Survivor.  Hey.. whatever it takes right? ;)

Cross Train

I LOVE cycling.  It's really my favorite exercise.  It's amazing how easy it is on your joints while still burning a zillion calories.  When I woke up at 6:45 this a.m. I figured now was as good a time as any to get my cross training workout out of the way and so I got all decked out in my best running clothes (cause I'm way too cheap to buy nice cycling clothes) and got my mountain bike down (also too cheap to buy a fancy [ridiculously expensive] street bike).
I was a little surprised when I realized that I still had the pedals on my bike from my Triathlon.  They are fancy, have cages, and have this mechanism that allows you to get your feet out of them by turning your foot sideways.  I KNEW the moment I looked at them that they were a disaster waiting to happen.  I haven't ridden my bike in way too long and couldn't even remember how to clip into them... but I couldn't resist.  Cages allow you to push AND pull when you are cycling which allows you to use your quads AND hamstrings as agonists... more muscle burn... more calorie burn.  So I left them. 
3 miles into my ride, my water bottle magically decided to turn sideways and hang upside down out of the bottle holder.  Which each revolution I would hit it with my calf and spray water everywhere.  I should have just left the damn thing... let it fall to the ground and spit on it as I rode away.  Instead... I reached down and strategically tried to adjust it... WHILE going uphill... completely lost momentum and thought.. "Oh SHIT!  THIS is why I should have changed the pedals!" I managed to get my foot "unlocked" just as I hit the ground and the result?  Just a little blood on my thigh from what I could see.  I refused to let is stop me.. manually locked the damn pedal back into place.. LEFT the water bottle on the side of the trail... and road another 10 miles.  IT wasn't until about mile 11 that I reached down to my knee and realized it was bleeding a little... and NOW for your viewing pleasure:

Awesome right?  My kid also pointed out my whole back side was covered in dirt!  My husband instantly reminded me of why he didn't want me to buy those pedals in the first place and me?  Well... I burned 500 calories on a 60 minute bike ride!  I'm AWESOME! ;)

Dear Quads

Dear Quads-

I know I have abandoned you the last few months and I am VERY VERY sorry!  Unfortunately this time around, I am more stubborn than you.  There is no rest day until Friday. And on Saturday we will be doing a nice long bike ride.. as for today I went gentle on you.. but I HAVE to run so whether you like it or not.. 40 minutes was absolutely necessary for my brain to take back control of me.  Tomorrow we have a shorter 3 mile run AND strength training again so... here's the deal... I PROMISE to run REALLY SLOW tomorrow and to ONLY do strength training on my arms, abs, back and chest.  In exchange, I would GREATLY APPRECIATE if you would chill the eff out.  Stop hurting non stop!  I would love to stop saying "ow" when my children climb on my lap.. and to be able to sit on the toilet without tears.  I would also LOVE to bend over and pick up the baseball when I'm playing catch with my sons without feeling like I'm 90. 

If you will do this small favor for me, I promise to NOT ignore you again!

Sincerely,

The Rest of Your Body

Day two!

Wow 2 whole days in a row!! :)   I woke up this morning sore.. but I've been that way since Saturdays race.  My quads have been punishing me for days now so yesterdays strength + run has not helped them let up.  I also may have overdone it on the glute extensions yesterday.. my ass HURTS.. so do my hamstrings... I figure tomorrow my triceps and biceps and abs and chest will change from the light ache I feel today to that overwhelming sense of "accomplishment".  Oh well.. PUNISHMENT IT IS!!  I deserve it. 

I had an "EASY" 4 mile run today.  The training plan I am following defines easy as between 65% and 75% of your max heart rate... or as a run where you should be able to talk the whole time.  This means that 4 miles is dragged out over a long period of time.... not my favorite type of run.  I'm more of a quicky kind of girl.. ;) I put in the harder effort in order to get finished faster.  I figured I would hit my lovely treadmill and watch Nip/Tuck while I ran.  I've never seen it before but had heard I might like it.  It definitely helped the time fly by.  Thank you Netflix! I couldn't help thinking about tomorrows run... a tempo run.. 40 minutes... where I actually have to push my achy body... and I had to stop and remind myself to:

 take it one day at a time. 

For anyone who has no idea what the Ragnar Relay is, it's a 188.2 mile team relay.  There are 12 people on my team and over the course of approximately 30 hours, we will each run three legs.  I am runner 3, which means I run two 5 mile runs and one 8 mile run.  I signed up for a zillion reasons.  My MILS pancreatic cancer, a goal to accomplish, and to be part of a team.  I love feeling accountable to others... so here goes.  Day 2 is DONE!  Wish me luck for day numero tres. :)

5 months! REALLY?

Life... it's been insane.  I have finished my first semster of nursing school with a big fat 4.0.  I've also struggled a ton in personal relationships and lost myself along the way.  I signed up a couple of months ago to run the Ragnar Relay on an American Cancer Society team, even raised a bunch of money for it... and I've sat around getting fatter.. not doing anything to train for it.. until now!! THANKFULLY... I think I am officially back!  I've gained about 15 lbs since I moved back to Utah in November... this means I am 15 lbs heavier than I was last year when I was running like a champ!  I realize that with my training for this event I've GOT to get back on track and get at least 10 lbs off.  I run faster when I'm lighter.. it's easier on my joints... and I threw all my fat clothes away so if I gain another lb I'm going to have to be naked except on school days when I am required to wear nice, roomy, scrubs! :)

I ran a half marathon relay on Saturday... which means I ran half of a half or 6.55 miles.  I did this without training and had my ass handed to me.  The entire time I was running I kept thinking... running may be like riding a bicycle but running fast means I HAVE TO TRAIN!!  I finished with a pace of 10:10... and was far from thrilled.  A year ago Saturday I had ran a 10k (6.1 miles) with a pace of 8:23.  I was in shape... now I'm a shape.. just more of an apple than a healthy fit gal (on a side note my husband is thrilled with the return of two big lumps of fat that cover my pectoral muscles). 

Today I started my training schedule for ragnar with a strength workout and a 40 minute run. I am going to start blogging daily and will be posting my workout logs.  You are welcome to them.  If you have questions about what a specific exercise is, email me and I will try to answer them.  You can also google most anything listed on the page. 

I start school again on Thursday... I still am trying to figure out exactly how to balance school, my marriage, being a mom, and making time for MYSELF with my husbands nutty schedule (he goes to work at 5am and gets home at 7pm 4 days a week).  I also have to figure out how to get over the fact that my husband firmly believes that taking time for me is just incredibly selfish.  It has always been this way... but I've let it become an excuse.. and I can't do that anymore! NO MORE EXCUSES!! 

 I have 6 weeks to train... I'm ready to bring it!  I think...

How losing weight has changed me.

Friday was my nursing school orientation and holy geeze was it amazing.  I always knew I would be a nurse "someday" but I honestly never planned on prioritizing enough to have that happen before I was 50.  I never ACTUALLY believed I would be willing to make a commitment like this.. to myself or anyone else.. and this is what has brought me to blog today. 
Losing weight has always been about MORE to me then a number on a scale.  A LOT of my drive came from the concept of FINISHING SOMETHING FOR ONCE!!  I have always been a slacker when it comes to committing.  I had a list of obstacles a mile long and that list kept me from achieving much of anything.  Because I accepted them as a reality of my defeats.  And I was okay with that. 
When I committed to 5 months of sticking to something, I never dreamed it would change me completely.  I wasn't even sure that I was actually going to lose a single pound.. I was just insistent that I was going to START and FINISH this competition.  In fact, the lack of support from everyone around me [when I first started] only solidified my devotion to do it.  Because in the past I had proven myself incapable of following through.  If you are just starting your journey, know now that even though your loved ones WANT you to succeed... they don't actually believe you will.  If your significant other doesn't seem to be jumping for joy that you are taking on a healthier life.. it's because he/she doesn't actually think you are going to stick to it and he/she does not want to be in trouble for anything they may have said to encourage you when you fail.
After losing my first 50 lbs I wrote this. 
So today.... 2 years after I started.. here is a new list.  A list of things I've learned and overcome on this crazy journey that started out as a 5 month commitment and completely changed my life!

1. Commitment:  I have learned that I have the ability to fully commit to things.  I do not just take on things with a hope of survival, I take them on determined to thrive.

2. Word elimination:  I no longer use words like can't, want, try.  These words sound like fluff to me.  You will not find me saying "I want to lose 10 lbs!" BECAUSE  I know I CAN do it. I WILL lose 10 lbs, end of discussion. ;) (P.S. I'm down 4!!!!)  I know that you all know that when your children/friends/spouses say the word "try" it means they will do it if it is convenient for them.  DON'T TRY!!  DO IT!!

3.  Vision:  My vision no longer seems like an unattainable dream... it is reality.  I no longer long to be this or that.. I see what I want and I GO FOR IT!!  Life is too short to live in a world of ambitions and goals.  I stopped making goals a long time ago.. I make commitments and it is ON!

4. Overcoming fear:  I've never been overly outwardly fearful but I have ALWAYS been afraid of failure.. in fact, fear of failure is why I never lost weight in the past (I was overweight for 9 years).  It's also why I never finished a single college level class (after marriage) and why I NEVER EVER would have started nursing school or anything else for that matter.  I was terrified of failure... and now... well, failure isn't an option.  Sound cliche?  I know... but honestly IT'S TRUE!  I do not fear failure at all because I refuse to go there.

5.  Fear of hard work:  Umm.. yes.. this would have been the definition of me in the past.  As a general rule of thumb I lived by the concept that "if it doesn't come easy to me... it isn't worth the effort."  WOW!!  I have done a complete 180 on that one.  I LOVE hard work now.  I love to do things that others think are impossible.  I love to go the extra mile [or 2] because I have learned how to push myself beyond what I ever thought was possible.  I am not afraid to work hard, I only fear complacency now.

6.  Overcoming obstacles:  Somewhere along this journey I redefined my obstacles as my EXCUSES.   I finally embraced the truth, that the mile long list of obstacles was a list of things I ALLOWED to get in the way of my success.  I never really made a list in the beginning.. in my archives I found this and it truly is a list of everything I let define me for a VERY long time.  On Friday, the director of my school asked us to shout out answers, of things that might get in the way of our success in the program... and I just couldn't contribute.  I refuse to believe that there are obstacles that can get in the way of my success... because I WILL NEVER LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN!! 

7.  Accountability:  I just joined Lisa's biggest loser challenge.  I'm sure there were people in the room who seriously couldn't figure out what I was doing there.  So here is my confession to all of you.  I need to lose weight I have gained in the last 4 months.  No excuses.  Life is always hard.  I just let myself lose a little bit of fire.  I don't want to lose this weight because I think I look bad (because I look just fine) I want to lose it because I DON'T want to become complacent and have these 10 lbs turn into twenty and so on and so forth until I'm back to where I started. 

The magic of a year.

I have this friend on facebook who has posted these random "ecards" with funny insight on her page. The first one that I posted yesterday was meant to be funny but this one well.. I felt it BLOG worthy!

Here's the deal:  We decide we are FINALLY going to do it, and get all pumped up RIGHT?!?!  And then.. we are perfect for like 3 days and we get on the scale and WHAT??  1/2 a lb!?  THAT'S IT?!?!? 

And we give up.  Exercise and nutrition was a dumb idea anyway! ;)  And a year goes by.  And some of you.. are sitting in the exact same spot you started last year with nothing to show but maybe a little reassurance that it can't be done and an overwhelming feeling that you are meant to be fat FOREVER! 

I was one of these people!  I had decided to embrace my fat self and take the world on in my awesome Lane Bryant jeans.  I DO GET THIS!

So this is where the card comes in.  When you give up.. you deny yourself the opportunity to grow.  So what if you have 100, 200 or even 300 lbs to lose???  The point is this: you have an opportunity to be successful by just sticking to it.  If you lost only 1 lb a week.. then by this day next year you would be 52 lbs lighter! 

When we give up on ourselves, on putting forth effort into reaching OUR goals... we deny ourselves the opportunity to become better.  Not better because our pants are smaller... BETTER because we have learned to push ourselves, learned that the limits we make up in our head are BULLSHIT!  That we can do things we never dreamed, never thought were possible.  That we can prove people around us wrong by finishing what we start.  That we can wake up a year from now and say.. I can't believe it's been a whole year since I started this crazy journey!!  LOOK AT ME NOW!!

Just make a change. Change your diet.  Start exercising. AND KEEP DOING IT!! You've got this... you've just got to believe it, and you will be unstoppable!

EXHAUSTING!

New year....

I've been trying to imagine what I would write on the first day of the new year.  I must admit, I never expected to be anticipating so much change in the next 365 days.  I face this new year with FEAR.  Fear for what we may be encountering, that I might not be able to hold it together, that I might become more vulnerable and less confidant in the world around me.  It's already starting of course, I struggle daily to find a new focus.. one that doesn't involve time... and time is something I desperately strive to overcome.  Whatever is to come in the next year, I pray for strength to not lose myself. 

I'm starting nursing school in 10 days. I'm excited and nervous.  I am smart, I know I will do fantastic... but I'm also easily annoyed and don't like stupid people.  I get frustrated with people who repeatedly ask stupid questions.  I am sort of a social oddity.  I'm funny, clever, whitty, blunt, honest, intelligent, and did I mention I hate stupid people?   I just honestly have no idea if I will have a single friend in school, because few people get me, or should I say?? Few people can keep up with me.  It's funny that I worry about this because the reality is, I don't REALLY care if people LIKE me... but I do care when they don't.  I am not used to having peers.  I have been out of school for 12.5 years. I identify with my fat self, which makes no sense to people who didn't know me when I was bigger.  UGH!!  I guess maybe this year I should just figure out who the hell I am!! 

So here goes.. my goals for 2011.  The things I CAN CONTROL!!!

I will run 1000 miles this year, including at least 2 half marathons and one sprint triathlon.

I will get down to my maintenance weight and stay between 120-125 lbs. 

I will THRIVE (not just survive) in nursing school.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.